your own disaster.

"Hello world,
Hope you're listening,
Forgive me if I'm young,
For speaking out of turn,
There's someone I've been missing,
I think that they could be,
The better half of me."
OneRepublic.



you've gotten over it, and now it's my turn.
i've gone through it in my head so many times.
i've read it all over the place.
last week, i probably couldn't have brought myself to let go.
today, new years eve, i will.
look forward to the future.
"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present."
you see i have always thought the past would always be a big deal to everyone.
but it isn't. look to far in the past, and wish it was still here, is losing what really is here. missing the oppurtunity of a lifetime. the past is what made me who i am today, it's part of who i am today, and will always mean a lot to me, but i don't want to hope for it anymore. i don't want to have any hope that it will come back. it's disappointing.
i vow to never bring it up again. to look forward to each day, and see the bit of goood in every single day. even if there isn't. choosing not to talk about it does not mean forgetting. no it just means i choose not to talk about it. hah, dwelling on it and hoping it will come back, won't make it come back, and truthfully, a waste of my time. it happened, it was a highlight in my life. i've finally realized it, i'm going to close my eyes,

and let it go. the future and what happens in the future, is my own personal miracle. so i'll wait everyday, live everyday, and love everyday. don’t let what happened to you in the past affect what could happen to you today.






I WISH YOU COULD GAUGE YOUR EARS TOO.
You'd probably look hella nice with them.
I'm going to do my best and not get caught.
But idk 'bout that, they're blue O_O
AHAHAHAHAAH, but i'm super excited.
Man, hopefully maybe you'll get their permission to gauge your ears too.
My mom however, has no clue what i'm up too :)))))))

suffocating.

I'm gauging


my ears


tomorrow.



wish me luck ! :))))
I'm hellllllllla excited.
the best part of my week ! :)
Other than making progress, that is :)

the way we talk.

it's not worth trying.
and it's not worth being sad over.
it's not worth dwelling on.
and it's not worth being hurt over something so small.
don't think too much of it because no, it doesn't really matter.
things all happen for a reason, and what happened two years ago, happened.
don't dwell, don't be sad, look forward to the new year.
build a bridge and get over it.
hey hey hey, happy new year to me :)

i know i know, it's not new years YET.
But i need a little motivation.





YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's.
Lol, i have absoltely nothing to say.
Well went to christmas in the park on saturday ?
YEAHH, so pretty.
I'm a sucker for city lights, remember that.
And there was this mini dropzone right outside the entrance O_O
HAHAHAHA, they were dropping like three stories, and screaming.
Kayyy, whatever floats their boat.
Haha, well then went shopping on sunday, (i was supposed to go saturday) but my mom decided to go grocery shopping instead. argh. whatever, i bought threee new tops and a new jacket. i tried to hide that from my mom. she would kill me if she knew. AHHA.
Haven't uploaded all my songs onto my ipod yet. D: Lol, i still have like 200 more to go. I only have 279 on there. Not many options. Rofl, i have to go to target, wanna purchase new headphones and give my sister's back. my mom has the headphones that came with my ipod, i didn't want them. SKULL CANDY HEADPHONES! YEEEEE.

My mom's thinking about taking us to TAHOE !
Hahah, i hope so.
I'm desperately in need of an actual break ! :)
Okay, well i'm sitting here eating spaghetti and drinking jamba juice.
And i have spanish homework, math homework, an esssay, and a project to be doing. also a long to-do list. LMAO, so i'ma get going.
long updates later ! <3






where have you beeen ?!?!?!?!?

walking on air.

Merry Christmas !<3





haha, i hope you guys all had a good one.
i don't really feel like saying much.
but we didn't have a huge family party like we used too.
but i did see my brothers again, and opened plenty of gifts :)
i got a new IPOD! HFIOSHG(UOWHSGUOWHSBP
YAYAYAAYYYAAYYAYAYYAAYAYYAYAAYAYAYYAYYAAYYAYYA ! LOL<3
I was uploading all my songs onto it, but i'm visiting my grandma cause she was at the hospital earlier today and she just came home. :|
but anywho, so i have two computers. one with all my music, and one without. so the computer that had all my music, won't download itunes 8 so my classic would work.
SO, i have to import every single one of my 426 songs ALL OVER AGAIN INTO MY OTHER COMPUTER ! :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ( i know that might not sound like a lot, but it is.)
This is gonna be a looooong week, along with the crappy ass homework i havta do, cause when break is over, i have exactly one week to prepare for finals.
shit.

haha, i got plenty of pretty clothes too, especially this t-shirt, and a really pretty sweater from my aunts. gah, i wanna hang out with my baby cousins now, i never see enough of them. they're growing up too fast in front of my very eyes O_O, RROFLROFLROFL. MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS ! Have some new years resolutions too k? Haha, i just might ask some of you :)))))))

MINE IS : build a bridge and get over it.
Only i know what "it" actually is. I'm working on it.
This whole 2009 year, i'm working on it.


merry christmas to you !
hope you had a good day, you seemed busy.
ah well, i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow ?
i am going to be so wrapped up in my ipod stuff, hahaha, downloading movies onto it too ! 120 GB BABY ! :)<3
hmm, g'night handsome.

i'll never ask for anyone but you.

"as deep as i need you, you want to leave it all, what can i do ?"

Starbucks Vs. Jamba Juice.


Two places where i'm headed soon.
Maybe some friendly shopping with cousin annieatron too :)
I'm seriously going to miss this break when it ends.
It's really nice to be able to just chill, and getup whenever and do whatever.
Forrrreaal.

So today, i did almost nothing. Actually, i put my bedding and sheets into the washer to wash. (SO THEY SMELLLL GOOOD!) haha, wrapped my parent's present and put it under the tree, told someone they were the greatest, that wasn't a joke :) AND now i'm chillin' with my baby cousins, aunt, and OLDER cousins. Heading out to starbucks in a little to get myself some yummmmy drink. or maybe i'll go to jamba juice instead. (i like it fruity sometimes :))))<3) lalalla, dooooode, did i tell you ?! i'm not having a full family christmas party this year, hella depressing. i wanna have one. 'cause when we do, all i ever do is laugh. i don't ever stop laughing. or smiling for that matter. hahaha, we're the noisiest family ever. :)<3

I REALLY


REALLY LOVE


MY FAMILY.


don't start that shit with me, because i'll fucking shank you :) i've had enough of the drama to last me a lifetime. and honestly, at this time of year, i really really don't need it. k, thanks.




so whatever happened to talking in our blogs?!
Hahah, i'll start it again. I REALLY REALLY MISSES YOU.
Gosh, you and your smile :)
I miss it lots.
:D

gives you hell !

OMGOSHH, my mom hinted at me today that someone is giving me an IPOD for CHRISTMAS !
YAYAYAYAYAYYAAYYAYYAAYAYY !
Hahah, i was listening to mooooosic while mopping the floors, and my mom's all "do you have that one song downloaded from akon, called beautiful?"
O_O, i was like TFFFFFAAACKK AKON MOTHER ?!
That's just wrong, but YEAH I DO !
LMAO, then she's all "Well, someone's going to give you an ipod for christmas, so what are you going to do with your other one ?"
HAHAHHHAH YAYAYYAYYAYYAYAYAYAY !
LOLOLOLOLOL, i'm like super excited now. But like, these past few days have been the boringest (hope that's a word), DAYS OF MY EXISTANCE! I've done nothing. Rofl, except for maybe watching some good movies, texting, and chillinn'.
Lol, today consisted of chores chores chores. Hahaha, vacummed, mopped, and laundry. O_O, dude i have no life !
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL.
Oh wait, actualllllyy, yesterday my cousin share came ovaa, and asked us to help her make jello shots. (for all those, who do not know what jello shots are, it's jello with alcohol.) ahha, she let me taste one too.
Doooode, i think it gave me a headache. O_O
HAHAHAAH.
Gosh, i love my blogspot song, and my myspace song.
All good doooode :)<3

But three days till christmas?
Hehe, i'm so excited !!!!!!!! :OOOOO
AHH, days can't pass by any slower.
Augh.

Still have some extra extra gifts i needa buy. NOOOO.
I have no moneyyy, but of course my granmom, already sent some envelopes (full of moolah, i hope) to my house, and yeah, hopefully, i get to use that money.
BUT I WANT SHOES TOO !
They're like $60 dolllaa though.
THEY'RE FRIGGGIN' HOT THOUGH ! Haha, and i'd look hawt in them too.
JUST PLAYIN', or maybe i will ;D


So since nothing interesting has happened in the past few days, so what is there to say right ? Haha, oh yeah !
OUR WEATHER IS BIPOLAR ! Lol, it was raining and windy, and now it's all sunny and stuff. Wonder if it's following my mood.
HAHAHA just kidddddin'.
I'm arrogant and pissed right now.
Haha, so i'm arrogant happy, and pissed, wow.
LOL.

I mean, what kind of person leads someone on ?!?!?
DON'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING TO ME YOU DON'T FUCKING MEAN !
GOT IT ?! GOOD.
Don't be a fucking asshole and do that to me.
Don't spare my feelings or pity me, k?
Don't need that bullshit, especially from you.
Whatever, merry early christmas to you anyway.

k, bye.

winter wonderland.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.


and happy new year !

From me, myself, and i :)<3


Hahas, i hope everyone enjoys the two week break !
Lol, don't be thinking about finals now.
AHHAHAHHA, i do, it's depressing D:
ROFLROFLROFL, hopefully, everyone i gave gifts to today likes em.
'Cause i liked all your gifts.
But for everyone else, LATE GIFTS ! i have to give them to you guys laterrrr. :)
Forgive me, teehee.


Lalalala, today was a chill day. Too much sweets though.
So sick of it. I need some water, and some salty foods.
OUTBACK DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD. Or that steak house in SF ! :)
Always a good idea. but i think everyone is trying to save money or whatnots.
SOO, maybe a homecooked meal will do :)
Well, keeeeeping this short short short short.
MISSING YOU ALREADY ! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SEE YOU IN '09 !<3







you know i love you, oh so much more than you'll ever know. everytime i say that, i don't really know how to say it so that you will actually get it. maybe one day, when we're both old and gray sitting in a rocking chair on opposite sides of the world from each other, you'll have an epiphany and realize that i was the one person that loved you without limits. but by then, by the time you reach the phone to call me, it might be too late.

"You'll go off, you'll forget,
you'll grow out of hanging from the edges,
breaking off the past.
You'll know when to move on,
you'll know when to take all the right chances,
never looking back."
-the academy is...
oh, i know how he feels.

the innocent letter.

you never wanted me, it's just that simple.

no, no, no.

no, no, no.


this cannot

be happening.

whatever happens happens. i try to make the best of it. but when it comes to you, that's different. catch my drift ? needyouwantyoumissyou. but hey, this is my world, and those feelings are a one way street. unrequited. it doesn't matter now. rettam t'nod i.

sweet dreams, and to all a good night.

when a heart

breaks,




no it don't break

even.



i said i'd boycott blogging this week, but to think that over, i think i actually need to blog.
did i ever tell you that my dad thinks i'm bipolar ? haha, maybe i am. i'm not going to not consider the fact that maybe i am. hmm, i have some terrible mood swings. but lately, i think i have been refusing to be sad. that i have tried to be happy more than anything. maybe so that no one will worry. but i've been doing some thinking and i've noticed that I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON ! i've been a horrible friend in the past few months. i've been thinking of no one but myself, and i haven't payed attention to how others are feeling around me. not taking in the emotions that they feel and try to understand it, i haven't tried. and now is when i'm going to try to actually do that. take everything into consideration and stop being so inconsiderate to those around me. because i feel like a selfish bitch. man, i also know, now, that someone, the one person i love without limits, and the sky is the limit when it comes to him, that i hurt him. last week i did the most stupidest idiotic thing that a person could ever do. i said goodbye. again, not taking into consideration, how he must feel and how this might affect him ? ha, i got what i deserved then afterwards. realizing how much it hurt the both of us, i tried everything to take it back. calling him twice, apologizing whenever i thought he might read it or see it somewhere. when that didn't work, i cried. i cried for the lost memories, i cried because my heart ached and i missed him already. i cried because i'd never see that smile directed to me. i cried because i knew that never again would i be able to talk to him. but amazingly, my parents decided that day to give me my texting back. and i apologized again. no matter how many times he tells me that he has forgiven me, i won't ever forgive myself. i did it self conciously, thinking "this is what i want", but no. afterwards, all it did was hurt. i guess my subconcious mind needed telling that i couldn't live without him in my life. ha, that's where my thinking got me so far. i really can't live without this boy in my life. you might think i'm young and don't understand anything yet, but no, i already know the feeling of losing him, and almost losing him for good, and that feeling ? oh, not pleasant whatsoever. he's my other half. i can't live without my other half now right ? haha, PARTNERS IN CRIME YO!. lol, in my world anyway. i don't think that he trusts me anymore. like trusts me to stick around after that. but i know, no matter what, that this past weeks incident is NOT i repeat NOT happening again. too much agony.

anywho, straight to it, i don't want to be sad. i can't afford to be sad. but then you know, there are times in the day when i feel like i'm on my own, and i got nothing but me and my hopes and dreams, and i have to get there without help.
but then, i come back to reality and i appreciate everyone i have with me in my life as of right now. the ones that support me. the ones i know, won't leave. but, can i trust you to never leave ? you can sure trust me. i laugh and smile and enjoy my days now, but i know deep down inside, as much as i don't show it, i don't want to lose any of you. it's hard for me to admit that to anyone but this certain boy. i don't want to lose any of you. you all don't know it, but you all play an important role in my life. as far as i can tell, me myself and i cannot make it to where i want to be without your guys support and friendships. i love you all ! :) when it comes down to it all, me being inconsiderate is something i'm working on, be patient with me :)


you know, that boy, is you.
but of course you knew that :)

heartless.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.


things would go back to normal.
k, bye.





feel better.

wishful thinking.

I GOT MY


TEXTING

BACK !



OMGOSHHH, me and MY FRIEND were talking about that earlier this week. we were both hoping that i would get my texting back so that we could text during winter break and the other breaks to come. haha, who knew on some random wednesday that my parents would decide to give it back to me ?!!?!!? OMGAHH, you have no idea how happy i was. i was literally jumping up and down and laughing and squealing. my dad literally said "the next time we tell her, make sure i'm not here" oh yeah, he's realllll funny ._________. haahhahahah, it was great. but as of right now, i only have 100 until tuesday then i'll have 500 ! YAYAYAYYYAYAYYYAYYAY ! i'm trying really hard not to waste them all right now. but of course there's only one person that i text. :)))))))))

so busy today, trying to figure out how to do my math homework, study and all this other stuff. argh, so tired of school. i can't wait until christmas break. OMGAH, doooode christmas in the park next friday ?! :) hope so. i think my mom already ok'd it with me. she just needs to know who's coming and how i'm getting there. i love my freedom ! :)<3

SO HUNGRYYYYY ! see you later.
P.S NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED TODAY, ok, bye.







AHHH ! we're cool again. i'm glad. that's all i really wanted. :) but are we cool like before this whole mess cool ? or are we just regular friends now ?
lalalalalalala, i really really love talking to you.

you, me, and everyone we know.

i really don't have much to say about today.
it happened, i mean, yeah.
today went by pretty fast though.
my classes are pretty boring, i mean honestly, i did nothing exciting today.
ugh, took a quiz in math though, three problems, and i think i missed one.
HIPGSIOGHIS)GHNOPHSHIGPIBHIPHPOSGW

i'm really hungry right now, so i'ma eat.



how nice.


ahahah !, please ?





you forgive me right ?!
i mean, i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you, i wasn't prepared for you to react the way you did. this is never gonna happen again. i already know the feeling of losing you and i can't have that again. it hurts too much, and i can't take it. so, if you forgive me this time, i can promise this will never happen EVER EVER AGAIN ! if you can't i understand.

before the worst.

today sucked.
today sucked.
today sucked.
today sucked.
TODAY SUCKED !






for everything, you have no idea.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_kFK6d5p6o
copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste.








i'm so sorry for everything. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. is there something that you would like to say to me ? i hate you would make me feel bettter. it's just i think that you would be better off. unless you think differently. i have no idea if you really want me in your life, considering the fact that we don't even talk as much. so, i don't know. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i only say sorry, because i feel like a jerk for saying it. maybe i should've waited until you got fed up and did it yourself, then i wouldn't feel like sucha jerk. but just because i said goodbye forever doesn't mean i don't still love you or care about you, or wish that things were different, you know ? i still do, and i always will.

whatever you do, keep my letters to you.
because they're my good bye gift ? and it'll make me cry a lot more than i am now if you do give em back to me.
i guess if you won't fight, there's nothing i can do about it. i hope you get everything you've ever wanted. i hope you'll always be happy. and do me another favor, don't forget me, because i'll never forget you.

and no, it was because even if i tried talking to you, you would kinda blow me off. and well, it hurt my feelings. i wish you'd fight, i wish you'd fight for us. i would.

loose lips sink ships.

i'm so sorry for everything.

i don't know how else to say that. i'm so sorry for making such a mess and causing so much trouble. i honestly have to admit i miss my friends. i miss being able to laugh and talk with them like i used to. it only took one day to make everything into this big mess, and i don't know how to fix it. so i'll settle for apologizing. i'm so sorry. i don't know if that helped or worked, but i honestly am so afraid that if i apologized in person, that no one would accept it, so if i apologize this way, and no one accepted, at least, it'd be an easier letdown.


what am i ? the wizard of oz ? you need a heart? you need a brain? go ahead. take mine. take everything i have.


i have a migrane.
possible from lack of sleep and nourishment.
all in all, i need food, and a comfy bed to nap on.

so i won't say much.
today wasn't that great anyway.
i have a disabled left arm because of eric's slaps on the arm.
well, i socked him, so hehe :)




"promises mean a lot to me, but then again so do you."
what if the goodbye was forever ?
how would you feeel ?
i know, i do need my texting back.
but my parents are lame.
oh man, don't remind me, i need to christmas shop :|
let's take it back, back before it all went wrong.

one life, one love.

when it all falls apart.
man, horrible news today. my dad lost his second job. things are going to be so different from here on out. i can feel it. my mom is trying to optimistic about it, but we depended on that second job to make ends meet, get the bills payed. this one job he has with my uncles, not exactly the best pay. the things my mom and i hoped would happen in our lives is no longer in effect. my mom is at my grandma's having fun with my cousins, probably trying not to face the truth just yet. damn, i would do anything if things could just go back to the way it used to be, i'll pick up a job. that's what i'll do. i know i'm only fifteen, what does it matter right ? we really need this help, my help.



MARSHHHHHMELLLOOOOOWSSS





for this winter....

and all the winters to come.

that's true, right ? i mean, the one you end up marrying is usually your "one love" right ? Idk, or is the one you marry a second choice to the one person you met before but couldn't be with ? hmm, i wonder. maybe it's different for different people. is there an exact way to tell if you really love someone or not ? or could it be like extreme liking ? ahhahahhah ! i don't know how to answer my own questions. but i think soon enough you stumble upon the answer. i'm not too much into trying to discover the answer at this particular time and moment. haha.


what a life we live huh ? all the hate, the things we discover everyday, and how it's possible for someone to really really hurt you. (not referring to anyone in particular, btw). i'm just saying in general, because i've noticed that everyone has someone in their life that affects them and can or cannot hurt them, and i can see there is someone in my life that affects me that way. then there are those people that i know that i am thankful for. thankful for the fact that they exist and for the fact that they chose to be my friend. :)



i am thankful for:
mommmmmm: hmm, you piss me off so much sometimes with your racist and discriminating things that you say to me, but nontheless, you're the reason i'm actually alive today. i know that you had hard times when you were a kid, and you don't want me going through the same experience that you did. i know that you love me, as me being your oldest daughter, and you have high hopes for me. the only thing is that you have a hard time admitting it to me, and that's fine, i can see it. i'm thankful that you kept me, and didn't give me away. iloveyou, lots.

dad: you're not my biological father and all, but still, you understand me like i really am. i can come to you to tell you my dreams, and hopes and what i want for my future, and you support me, and you help me get there. and for that i can't thank you enough. there's not a lot of people out there that will support me through and through, but you do. iloveeeeeyouuuuu.

BIGBROTHERS ! : you give me everything that i could possibly ask for. you're my step-brothers, but that doesn't make a difference to me, and it doesn't to you either. and i am sincerly so glad. you guys aren't always around but when i hear that you're coming to visit, i get super excited because i can talk to you guys, and any stress or problems, or frustration i'm feeling just goes away. i adore you guys. i may not like your girlfriend very much adam, ahem, but i still love you, you big meanie :)<3

cousins !
rachel: ew, i've known you since we were THREE, can you believe ?! in diapers doooodee. haha, and we're 15 now. it's been a while, and the best thing about you, is that you never get tired of my stories. i can go on endlessly about everything and you'll listen, haha, you're like my homebestfriend. AHAAHAHAHHAH<3

annieatron: we have our fights, and our times we spend not talking, but we're still close. the only thing that sucks is that you're graduating :|. we have a lot of fun together, and you never fail at making me laugh. i am quite thankful you're my cousin, and not someone elses. :)

bestfriends:
stephanie: BACK YARD NEIGHBOR/BESTFRIEND ! omgah, when has that ever happened to anyone ?! to be so lucky that your bestfriend just so happens to live behind you. we've had huge fights, and we don't always get along, but i will always love this girl. she has her opinions on what i do, and she'll tell me that i'm doing something that might not work, but as long as it makes me happy, i should try. BESTFRIENDSFOREVER ! :D

asiamarie: 5 years of it all. bestfriends since 6th. gone through it all. all the tough times, alot of things that happened, and memories that are unforgettable. tough times come and go for us, and never have we split. and i hope we never do. LOVES YOU, and happy early birthday ! <3

dean: i don't know what's happened to us. idk, but i am thankful for him. he's so fun to talk to, (when i do talk to him) and he makes me laugh, LOTS. and i'm super glad i met the guy. he has nice clothes, and a chill personality. that's why he's so easy to talk too. times when he picks up the phone to talk to me when i'm bored, is the best. because he gets me unbored. hahah, <3

there you have it. those are the people that i am most thankful for, that are in my life. they make my days worth living. <333 LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCHHHHOOOO ! :))))

mm i had a talk with the counsler today. talked to her about college. i learned something new ! UC'S DON'T CALCULATE FRESHMAN YEAR GRADES INTO OUR TOTAL HIGH SCHOOL GPA ! YAYAYAYYYYAAYYAYAYAAYAYAY ! because i passed geo, with a C second semester. GAYYY TO THE MAX ! :O but this year i'm doing pretty good. GOTTA ACE FINALS, and i got the rest of my life planned out for me. i can't afford to mess up right now. not when it's this close. i can't believe that i'm a freakin' sophmore. it seemed like just yesterday that i was in fourth grade playing four square, and didn't have to deal with petty drama. ech, i've never had so much on my mind like i do right now.
i would rather have stayed in middle school for the rest of my life, and never leave. the safe place, where college wasn't such a big deal. because it seems as though every decision i make will affect my future, and it probably does. but i'm not stupid. i can do this. i can make my dream future, the future that i see in my head happen. i vow that i will make it happen.

i brought a lint roller to school today. it was a lifesaver. so many people had black on and they were using it, hahahahahahahah. they all told me that i was a life saver. who knew, the one day that i bring a lint roller that so many people would need it. lol :)


"i can't lie,
i miss you much."
you wore it today. haha, the cardigan that you wouldn't wear that one windy day because you thought you looked ugly. .________. not even. i liked it. i was very black today. was one of my goals, to wear all black one of these days. GOAL FULFILLED, lol. don't laugh at me. my voicemail last night probably caught you off guard huh ? were you expecting something like that ? haha, maybe you did because i told you that i couldn't tell you when you were actually on the phone. there is so much i want to say to you, but can't. but i do have this to say ;sorry, for everything. goodbye.

living in the middle of it all.

NOT MEANT TO CAUSE DRAMA, SELF VENTING PURPOSES.
first off, i can't even begin to describe how absolutly pissed i am. but you know what ? it doesn't even matter. my hands are too cold to actually type super de duper fast, so w/e. but honestly, i am still ticked off about the whole new alliance made to exclude me. i hate how everyone would say "oh yeah, you got shit to say ?, say it to my face" and then they become a fucking hyprocrite and don't do it themselves. it fucking pisses me off. i mean, i know i can be a hyprocrite sometimes, but i also realize that i have become one, and i fix it. i mean honestly, and you guys call yourselves good friends. PLEASE. go tell it to someone who gives a fuck. now i'm debating whether or not i will make it to that party saturday. i bet you anything, i'll end up sitting in a corner while you all run off with your little group and chill and talk shit about me. isn't that what you're doing now ? don't even start with me, i can fucking see it on every single one of your faces, i can tell by your body language. so why not just say it to me ? why not just tell me that you don't want me around ? wouldn't that just make it easier for everyone? ugh, you guys have no idea how much you guys piss me off ! i would like to scream at the top of my lungs at you, and scream it to your face. you all aren't all that perfect either, and i hate you ! you should learn to fucking just shut your faces. I WANT TO FUCKING SHOOT YOUR ASSES ! maybe i won't show up for the party. even though i call you my bestfriend, i don't know if i can fucking say that anymore. don't even start with the shit and say i'm overreacting about any of this shit. i know this whole little thing has gone around the fucking group and everything, but with me, you could say it to my face, and since no one has decided to do so, don't mind me as i fantasize about ripping your fucking heads off and sticking it on a pike and parading around school with it while i sing "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN !". -sigh.


today wasn't the best day of my life. i wish this week was over. because if this goes on much longer i am going to snap. and then i'm going to lose it, and scream at everyone for every little thing they do. and i really don't want to do that. because if i do, i will regret it later. home seems like a nice place to hang out for the next week or two. let's fake a sickness, and i will have my wish granted. i can stay home.

i walked home today again. but this time i was only paranoid for maybe the first half of the walk, getting scared from seeing my own shadow. but the rest of the way home, i walked helllllaaa slow, just thinking and admiring the colorful trees. i had a lot on my mind, and it felt good to do some thinking on my own walking, then asking for a ride home. it took me 25 minutes to walk home, when usually it would only take me 10. haha, now you can see how slow i was walking hmm ? i saw the ice cream man, with new windows, rachel pointed that out the other day, but i had no money. it's only 4 in the afternoon. i have a lot of homework, but i don't feel like doing it. i love my music. it gets me through so many tough times, like right now. just surrender, my american heart, hey monday, a change of pace, etc.
"i'll shoot from the hip, and watch you fall"
A CHANGE OF PACE ! <3
I don't think i can live without my music. i went through a bunch of old crap today too. old convos, letters, pictures. i found a lot of old things that still mean so much to me. most of the old convos made me laugh too.

i think my camera's broken. it's all distorted, i'll take a picture with it, and i can't even tell if i actually like it or not. O_O

i still feel like running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs to get all my frustration out. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:OOOOOOOOO

or take a stick and poke them in the eye. :|
oh man, i'm so pissed right now.
ew.

i think in the middle of it all, i have come to realized:
1. i think i am too arrogant about things.
2. i should change the way i act towards people.
3. sometimes i don't know why i did what i did.
4. i will come down with alzheimers disease.
5. that i'm thankful for everything i have and everyone in my life.
6. i need to show that to them more often.
outgoing, me? oh it's a goal.
my one life, i'll live it as fully as i am capable.

christmas is in two weeks. i only have one more week to save up money to christmas shop. and hopefully the friday before the two weeks begins, i can go to christmas in the park, WITH MY COUSINS ! because the others are fucking pissing me off, and i would not like to spend the day before the holidays with such people. but anywho, i haven't been to christmas in the park for awhile. since i was like 8, 9 ? IDK, something like that. i see pictures of it, but i can't even tell how old i look. hahas. man whenever i'm cold, my hands itch so bad. even when i put lotion on them. MY MOTHER IS TOO CHEAP TO TURN ON THE HEATER. O_O, i complain all the time. and the other night, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY HOT WATER ! :O dude, i was so cold. i blamed my mother for using all the hot water, but it turns out that she took a 10 minute cold shower too. I SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIII. HOW THE HELL DID SHE STAND THAT ?!???!!???! hahahahah, idk. she washed her hair too. wow. i couldn't even put my whole body under the showerhead. i was freezing. (i couldn't feel my hands or feet afterwads) it was horrible.

i'm in the mood for a jack in the box teriyaki bowl. someone buy it for me ? i willl lovee you FOR EVA. ahahas. it's thursday. tomorrow is the end of the week. i hope i do something exciting. like let's go watch BOLT, or TRANSPORTER 3, or FOUR CHRISTMASES. life is so boring now. i need to meet some exciting new people. because everyone is so boring. this is why i hate school.

time for me to realize that they're not going to help me out, all they'll do is stress me out. they don't know how to be true friends, and i am still on the lookout for those actual friends. one i can depend on to be blunt with me, and tell me when i'm becoming boring. don't spare my feelings......, if you really care. gosh, simply putting, tell it to my face stupid.





lalalala, i was thinking of you most of the time when i was walking home. mostly wondering if i can finish your proofs on time. because well, honestly, i was never good with proofs. and no one will explain them to me because they hate them more than i do. but hopefully all the other stuff helps, because my explaining probably wasn't very good. mmm, gosh i feel as though my time with you as my best friend was toooo short. i would give anything to have you as my bestfriend for another year, or two, or three, or four. well you get the point. that year was the best year of my life. i miss you and it soo much, you can't even begin to imagine.
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

my life without you, is no life at all.

Purple is my color today, whoo freaking hoo.
Hahha, someone told me that today.

I'm really coming up blank right now.
I am trying to eat, type and think about things all at the same time.
Not exactly the time for me to multi task, especially since i'm hungry.
But today wasn't exactly anything fun.
I mean, same old same old.
Except for stupid Truong, making me laugh so hard in spanish that ms. gonzalez might just move me. .___________________.
Hahaha, then in p.e, soccer.
My least favorite sport.
Too many accidents involving a soccer ball.
O_O

History we watched a documentary on the french revolution.
it's actually really interesting.
i just couldn't take all the blood :|

bio, i tried to study for math and i had henry help me.
and i didn't bother to actually do my homework.
or get a headstart, oh well.
i'm always swamped with homework.
no biggie.
EXCEPT THAT HOUSE M.D IS ON TONIGHT ! :O
i also got attacked by jordan. ._______.
Unsuspectedly.
Ugh.

Then mandler.
we took a quiz the whole time.
idk, how i survive that class.

then math.
quiz, notes, and personal notes.
moved seats, petersen was smart.
moved jesse away from us.
:|

oh well.
the end, i think tuesdays are just as bad as mondays.
QUITTING TAHITIAN.
Sorry alyssa.










i never thought someone like you,
would ever need someone like me.
you know i need you, but i'll pretend like it doesn't bother me, if you don't want me here in your life.
i'm not assuming, i'm just saying.
it's your choice and i won't object or make you feel bad about your decision.
i don't mean this to sound mean, but choose, in your life, or simply not.
you know my decision, if you were to give me these options.
our friendship used to be as easy as breathing. am i making it complicated ? hmm, if we were comfortable talking in person, maybe it wouldn't be this way. mannnnnnnn, i overthink things, AGH. :|

misery loves company.

MY SISTER IS VERYYYY WHITEEEE !!! :OOOOOOOO


well i can't remember anything that happened last wednesday.
so i'll just tell you about my thanksgiving weekend.

welll thursday, got up early expecting to cook.
but we didn't start until like 10:30.
i peeled the potatos and the yams, and left them there while my dad prepared the turkey breast and the lamb to put into the oven.
then finally i got to dice them and put it to boil. then i mashed them and put the marshmellows on the yams and put that in the oven so that can melt.
anyway, not going to describe in detail what i cooked.
because i sound like a cookbook. O_O
HAHAHA, anywho, we ate and MY HOUSE WAS FULLL !
My grandpa and grandma came, my aunt and uncle and my baby cousins, and rachel's dad, her, and her little brother came.
CROWDED.
I didn't even get to eat at the main table.
we had to set up a "kid table".
i'm fifteen dude, not exactly a kid anymore.
hahah, that's okay.
we were the closest to the t.v :)
we were watching "the forbidden kingdom"
(i bet you anything my dad only told me to put that on because everyone except for him there was asian .________________________.)
hehe.
after we ate, we all just chilled around the table.
my baby cousin discovered he can walk and we were playing with him in the backyard. it was so fun. we were all crowding him, not letting him get by and he was just laughing. we towered over him. i would be scared out of my mind if someone did that to me.
but then...
me and rachel and my sister played guitar hero.
when everyone finally left, i got to relax hehe :)
i think we watched transporter 2 though.
man, we had leftovers the next day and it wasn't as good as before but hey, it was still food :)

i went shopping the next day, and i bought jeans and a jacket.
i was gonna get shoes but my mom wouldn't let me.
she said i had too many pairs of shoes.
haha, i went home and i counted 12 pairs of jeans, 11 pairs of shoes, and 15 jackets.
heckaa stuff right ?
no more of that stuff, next stop, T-SHIRTS ! :D<3
hahah, my saturday and sunday wasn't that great.
i didn't do anything to great.
i put up my christmas tree yesterday, and it has 200 musical lights on it.
HAHAHA, i know :)
it got pretty annoying when i was trying to put it up.
haha.

oh yeah but ohmygosh, friday night.
my mom and i just got home from shopping and we had bought christmas decorations for the frontyard right ?
and we put them up, and then afterwards i was inside the house, and my mom was putting up lights in the kitchen when she recieved a phone call from my grandpa.
and when she got off, she was pissed.
she started yelling at everyone and she told me that my grandpa cussed at her.
and she kept yelling throughtout the whole night, and i wanted to get out of the house so badly.
my mom was yelling so much i couldn't even hear my show that was on t.v.
O_O

anywho, i hate mondays :)








so i did a lot of thinking this weekend, and i couldn't get past the memories of 8th grade. haha, we were so tight ! haha, it's been three years ? lol, idk, but it's been a while. agh, i missed you but i was afraid to call. i always want you to be happy, even if that means that i'm not in your life. maybe that's why i keep asking you questions. so i can determine if you really do want me in your life. if it'll make you happier if i am. anyway, do me a favor. go on limewire or myspace music and listen to "best of me" by sum 41. :)
it's a realllly gooooood song <3

let my imagination run wild.

what a day.
i didn't stop laughing alll day !

during second we watched a movie, with A LOT of inappropriate content.
HAHHHHAHAHA, but anyway, then went to third and laughed alot then too, but i don't know what about.
but someone got hurt and i felt bad, cause he looked like he was in a lot of pain.
then i got hurt. .______________.
stupid eric threw a volleyball in my face.
then during fourth, someone told me a scary story, and i left feeling hellla freaked out.
then of course bio.
took a test, laughed at some jokes, and was missing my absent friend, D:
then went to sixth, reading, ew.
then seventh ! took notes and passed notes around.
hahaha, so funny.

but i'm home now.
and i'm so hungry, i think i'm blanking out and forgetting what happened today.
i have so much homework.
and i have to study.
and an essay due tomorrow.
not loooking forward to tonight AT ALL.
sigh.





I have so many questions for you.
I'll throw another one at you.
Do you need me in your life to be happy ?
Of course my answer to that question would be YES YES YESXINFINITY.
forever, and ever, and ever, xinfinity.
i know it :D

my heart beats for you.

i don't know how to explain the warmth or the sensation of a cup of hot chocolate on a freezing cold winter day.
haha, i'm currently home alone.
my dad's at my grandma's house building a room for my baby cousins.
my sister went with him, and my mom is running at the gym.
me, i'm home, sitting right here with a cup of hot chocolate to warm me up.

haha, well, twilight was a disappointment.
i was expecting for it to maybe be better than it actually was.
i mean, things were out of order, and some of the scenes were changed.
and i think they changed a couple of the character's names, and i was like "who is that ?!!??!?!"
HAHAHHA, after the movie, rae's mom took us to IN&OUT.
AKA, fattie food place, according to someone.
Haha :)

i don't think i'm doing too much today.
it's sunday.
i finished my math homework, so i'll probably just do laundry and chill at the house, i guess.
i have this thought and question that has been bothering me alll night long.
kslhgiohbeipwjhoh, agh, i don't know how to phrase it though.
oh well, if it sounds weird, i know you know i mean well.
:)<3



when you said yesterday, when you saw the couples, that it made you jealous, was there someone that you wanted next to you ?
of course, if you were gonna ask me the same question, you know my answer.
UOY, :)
rachel knew, haha, and i didn't have to say anything.

"i need that smile,
that face, i haven't seen in a while.
'cause baby, we're meant to be,
and that is something, that i wish you could see."
-theend.

twilight.

I AM GOING TO GO WATCH TWILIGHT TODAY !!!! :)
SOO EXCITED !
I'm going with rae, and her brother and my sistaaaa.
But yeah i'll tell you about that tomorrow.

BUT DUDE THAT CONCERT YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME!
I can't even begin to describe how good it was.
I went all crazy with the Cable Car Stars, and i was up front jumping up and down enjoying their beats.
It got cold and all that, and i felt like i was going to turn into a popsicle, but hey, it was WORTH IT ! :DDDDD

we waited to meet and greet the stars, but there was such a long line and if we stood still, we'd be heckaaa cold, so we ended up leaving.
Omgosh, that was the best experience in my life.
haha, i gotta head out and shower before rae and her brother come over to my house.
so that's all i can say about the concert for now.
sorrys D:















I'm not mad at YOU!
Haha, i can never be mad at you.
I'm mad at others.
In my group, they love to talk.
And their new favorite subject is me.
Ugh, i hate girls sometimes.
Haha, i know, our friendship is definately more than meets the eye.
I'd like to keep it that way.
Do you think we'll stay close for the rest of highschool, and maybe more ?
:))))))))))

seventeen forever.

i really hate it when people talk shit.
especially about me.
honestly, if you're one of my close friends, and you've gotten annoyed of me, and you were a good friend, wouldn't you want me to be aware that i'm annoying ?!
okay, so why would you go and talk about it behind my back.
JUST COME OUT AND FUCKING SAY IT ! :O

that's where my epiphany comes in.
i don't depend on anyone.
i honestly am here on earth to do everything i do for my benefit, and i do everything to get to where i want to be in life.
and i will do everything in my power to do everything to get where i want to be.
i'll appreciate the friends who appreciate me, everyone else, well they do whatever they want, and i could care less.

i've already found out, and i'm just going to avoid you as much as possible, i will not talk to you.
because i'm currently still angry.
and i don't know how angry i will stay, but i will stay angry.
don't pretend to be perfectly okay with me if you aren't.
it makes the matter at hand worse.
not like i can't tell.
eh, my epiphany i had yesterday has got me very happy.
living blissfully, and not caring about what others think anymore.




schools still the same as always.
except during p.e where i almost died laughing at the guys.
HAHAHAHHA, then in bio too.
"HELLO HOMO!"
HAHAHAHAHAH, ROFL, LMAO, LMFAO.
Phew, i think i almost died there too.

going to the concert with rae today !
haha, i'm half excited to see what it turns out to be like.
i think my mom's going to buy wall-e today too.
if she does, that's one of the things i'm doing tonight.
watching it.

then tomorrow, i think my mom's going to go watch 007, and i'm going to watch twilight :)
i'm excited, it's going to be the talk of the week, a three day week.
still can't get over the fact that my parents and sister get the whole week off, whereas i stilll have to go to school for threee days.
high school ruined my traditions.
haha, just kidding.

loooking forward to coooooking next week ! :)
i also need to learn how to french braid my own hair, hehe.


























do i still mean a lot to you ?
am i just a friend, or more than a regular friend?
i need your answer to decide something for myself.
or maybe i need your answer, to get my much too late epiphany.
you're still on my priority list.
meaning, you still mean alot to me.

words lost in the noise of the crowd.

city lights, reminds me so much of vegas.
vegas, some crazy good memories and a very large phone bill, hahas.
one of the very few things in life you would go through without forgetting.

school is going alright.
though i sometimes go through the day in a daze, lost in my thoughts, and i don't pay attention to anything going on around me. i'm awfully tired all the time too.
i wonder what i do in my sleep. if i get up and take a walk around the city or something. because no matter how much sleep i get, i don't feel refreshed in the morning like you're supposed too, hmm.

i keep looking for music to listen to while i type this, but it's not working out so well. you know those nice mellow music that you listen to and it makes you feel as though you're staring in your own private movie ?
haha, yeah those songs.

today wasn't interesting, it was the same as all the other days of this year.
i got through it, and that's all that matters.
yesterday, i wasn't swarmed with so much homework, actually yesterday, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK TO DO AT ALL!
And now, i have this ton of homework that i have to get done.
hmm, i wonder what i would've been like, if i became one of those people that don't care about grades.
nahh, that can't happen, i will always care about my grades.
my phone started to die today during 7th.
it was pretty bad, i mean, i need my phone, at all times ! ahhah.

i have an essay due on wednesday of next week.
a quiz on that same day, and it's early day.
my parents get all next week off, and so does my sister.
HOW PATHETIC IS IT, THAT I STILL HAVE SCHOOOL ?!
i'll answer my own question, VERY.

oh well, i hope my parents have some good food when i come home, so that i don't have to go digging through my halloween candy to keep my energy level up so i can do my homework without falling asleep.

haha, man it was cold today too !
it started raining during lunch and i laughed.
i don't know why i laughed.
but the wind was blowing the water everywhere, and for a second there it looked like a snowstorm.
haha, then the sun came out.


i don't have anything to say about any of my classes, because nothing interesting happened in any of them :|














you know, i miss you so much still, even though we're almost back to the way we used to be, how odd is that ?
i hoped you enjoyed my wonderful short letter.
that was a first for me.
you're still one of my bestfriends, i had to get it out there again.
what would life be like if i hadn't met you ?
horrible thought.
what would life have been like if you hadn't met me ?

dreaming the impossible.

someone once told me that nothing is impossible.
i will only believe that when i see it.


today was interesting, in ways.
we took a test in spanish, and that wasn't exactly anything hard.
p.e, we took our skills test for volleyball, which was unexpected because he never told us that we were having it, ugh.
And i ended up telling julie and mary my life story. HAHAHAH, i mean i thought everyone knew about how i came into this world.
haha, in history, we had a college talk, which got me thinking about what college i wanted to go to, and then my thoughts wandered to what will happen after high school, or our senior year ! Such scary thoughts.
SOMEONE PASSED ME A NOTE TODAY DURING BIO ;D
it reminds me of middle school when we would pass notes to people to talk.
haha, but it was a pretty intense note session :)
lunch came and i was freezing my butt off !
i wasn't wearing a jacket today , and it was windy and cold :|
it made me sad to know that i was, for the first time, COLD ! HAHA.
we had a sub today in english and we were really rowdy.
kenny was throwing papers onto the ceiling, and even dollar bills.
but only half, ;)
we had a test in seventh, and i am so scared, i don't think i did that great.
eeek, end of the grading period FRIDAY !
thank gosh, it's just progress, sigh.

after school, me and rachel, and a couple of her friends went and bought tacos.
REALLY GOOD, but it was flat, well, it was only a dollar.
haha, i'm looking forward to this weekend, but there's nothing really interesting going to happen this weekend, but maybe something will appear out of thin air.
hhaha, then next wednesday is also an early day where i will get to go home and cook ! :)
So excited ! <333333









could we really pull this off ? can we go back to the way we used to be ?
I REALLY REALLY HOPE SO ! what do you think ?
OH YEAH, i haven't written you a letter in a while, would you like me too ? :)
i'm glad you're not going to arizona next week !
but you're probably not so happy about not going.
do you think maybe we can hang out ?
you still owe me a birthday party.
i'ma hold you to your word about making that up to me :)
hehhe :)
you're the greatest.

time's on my side.

OMGOSH, i just got home.
i'm super queasy too.
because karney gave me a whole bag of m&m's and i was eating them in the car while i was waiting for my cousin to come out of SMS, and on the ride home the car was all stuffy, and now i feel queasy.

ew, i was thinking of the term "blow chunks" and i felt even worse.
HAHAHA, don't ask me why i was thinking about that, haha.


so, i have a spanish test, and algebra 2 test tomorrow, plus tahitian after school.
what a full day.

i wonder what our next unit in p.e will be, i hope it's not something that i can get hurt doing.
because, my blow in the head with a basketball earlier this year, i'm still traumatized :O

SO, you know the KFC combo box that they show on T.V ?
YOU KNOW GOOD THAT LOOKS ?!
But, steven, maggie, and i were talking about that today during 7th.
HAHAHA, and we were saying how much of a rip-off that is.
IT'S SEVEN BUCKS, and everything is supppperr TINY.
so we were all laughing, and talking about food and making Jesse hungry.
but stupid jesse, cracking dirty jokes behind me.
haha, if mr. petersen was smart he'd seperate the six of us, me, maggie, jesse, elaine trinh, and steven, since we talk so much.
we all like to get jesse in trouble, ahahahah.

agh, my mom hasn't mentioned anything about moving again lately, which is good.
but stephanie has, and she wants me to go with her.
:|, idk...


sigh, philisophical time.
my thoughts are pretty much a big rubberband ball right now. nothing has been sorted out. and with all the work and the tests and quizzes that have taken over my life this week, there's no time to actually sort them out.
there are so many thoughts jumbled into one, that i can't think about a certain one for long. my mind tends to wander to different things, and then i lose all focus.
but i need to sort them all out, because if i don't, i spend all my time being confused, and i don't exactly want that. i spend every night thinking about it all, then i fall asleep, and then nothing gets resolved, AHHHHHH! SO FRUSTRATING ! :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO okay, i'm done ranting, LOL :)







i know i made a mess of our friendship, and i am SO SORRY.
i hope that one day you will really forgive me for it, i mean, REALLY REALLY, forgive me.
i want to talk to you everyday, all the time, but sometimes i wait for you to start the conversation, cause when i do, it seems to me like you're a little afraid too talk to me, haha.
so then i feel all weird, and i back off.
argh, you go to AZ next week ! A wednesday without you.
:| not exactly something i want to be thankful for this thanksgiving.
Lol, i hope you have fun though.
i'll miss talking to you, because we'll be wasting long distance minutes on the cellll, argh :O

nostalgia is my lullaby.

"silence your harsh words my dear
my ears are ringing of this
i can't stop thinking of it
(i try to reach you but i fall)"
-EYESSETTOKILL.


agh, i have a raging headache.
from lack of sleep and lack of food.
so i'm going to go eat as soon as i am done typing :)

not very much to update about.
UNLESS, you mention STRESS STRESS STRESS.
tests and quizzes have taken over my week.
THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK !
I'm so excited, because i get to pig out.
And hopefully i don't get uberly fat ! :O

argh, annie just gave me some garlic bread :)
hehehehhehe :)
FOOOOD <3

Haha, yesterday i had a "family gathering" and my little 1 year old baby cousin made me laugh so hard i started crying.
We were trying to be quiet while my grandpa prayed but she kept going around trying to feed people goldfish. HAHAHAHAHA, and then we told her to be quiet by shushing her and she mimicked us and went around shushing everyone.
OMGAHH, i was laughing so hard, and i was trying so hard not to laugh out loud, so that i didn't inturrupt their praying.
Haha, it was really funny.

Then i went home and did homework, and fell asleep for two hours.
Got up and ate beef stew.
Did laundry, and then went to sleep.

Agh, what a weekend.
I'M SO SUPER EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK.
I get to help out with the cooking next week.
I'm so happy, i am a very good cook :)
Heheheheh, you've got to try my food to believe it <3






YOU SOCKED ME TODAY !
But i guess i deserved it, ahahah, for socking you first :)
Hahaha, still want my hug !
Oh i had a question for you.
How often do you think about 8th grade ?
I mean, how often does it come to your mind, all the memories ?
I'm just curious.

Because well, i think about it a lot.
I compare a lot to this year, and all.
Haha, IMY :)




And i still miss you, more than anything in the world, and i won't ever, ever stop.

facing destiny.

Gah, i feel as if i could throw up right now.
And i probably could with the way i feel right now.
Sick to my stomach.
I didn't eat much today if that's supposed to be the source to my nausea.
But anyway, i spent most of today reading, if you saw me at all. Haha, i know i'm too into my books nowadays, but when this series is over, i have no idea what i'm going to do with my spare time. mm, maybe back to my crazy phase of intense music searching, like i do most of the time when i'm bored. but then my dad goes all psycho on me and tells me that i'm planting viruses onto the computer, (and i probably am) but still, who can stop me when i'm on my mad hunt for some good music?! If you couldn't answer that, then you know how obsessed i really am. I skipped tahitain practice because today's just not the day, AND, i feel sick O_O


My baby cousin has a fever, and he won't stop crying. It's really sad, i want to go over and hug him, but i know he's to sick to even think about being affectionate to me and hug me back. OH, while we're on the subject of hugs, i have an urge to hug you all the time ! haha, i hope you're reading this. and you know exactly who you are too :) haha, i mean, when was the last time i hugged you ?! I know for a fact i didn't even hug you last year when you handed me my birthday present. O_O it's been awhile, and honestly, i miss your hugs. or well not the half-assed ones, but the ones where you'd squeeze me, like you'd never see me again. i miss those ones. hmm, who knew what a case of nostalgia could do to you.

i'm more then halfway done through breaking dawn. and only in a day. it's unbelieveable i know. my aunt stared at me in disbelief when i told her too. haha, in case you're staring at the screen saying, "THE F ?!, ALREADY ?!" HAHAHHA. Mm, i miss the soothing sound of the rain against my window. It's been replaced by the screaming wind. I got up this morning to take my daily morning shower, and all i could hear was that. And at first i thought it was just the pipes and there was something wrong with them or something. Then i realized when i opened the shutters on my window that it was the wind. It looked like it might just blow the roof right off my house. Ugh, scary thought.

So i talked to my mom yesterday about getting a job this summer, and she agreed to let me do all that i wanted to do this summer.
An animal shelter for money, and voluteer work at a hospital for children.
Maybe summer school (for pre-cal), and throw in my dance lessons again.
What a busy summer compared to my last summer which was extremely relaxing.
Haha, i'm actually really excited. I mean, it would be my first summer doing something fun for a change. Hanging out with dogs and cats all day doesn't seem like much of a problem to me. Well, until they ask me to walk them, then i'll have to pick up the poop too. Ew, that's one thing i can die without doing once in my life.

Okay, so the best thing about bestfriends, is that they listen to you all the time.
And the other thing, you can totally take advantage of the fact that you can eat all the food you want at their house and they really don't mind ! HAHAHA.
Well, i'm planning on spending the night at Stephanie's house, my bestfriend (i have more then one) :} tonight. Hopefully we have some time to spare for the other. It's been awhile since we could really update each other on anything. Agh, it seems like forever. MMMMM, i'm in the mood for some mashed potatoes and thai tea. Haha i'm going to go make some right now, then read. BOOKWORM MUCH ?! Lol, i adore books.
(Haha, talking about adoring something, what about someone ? IADOREYOU!) :)))




Yeesh, you pulled my hair today. LOL ! And you also created a personal earthquake on my behalf. HAHAHAHAHAHA, i couldn't concentrate on reading, my urge to talk to you was overpowering my mind. I didn't understand what i was reading. Haha, but i didn't want to get in trouble either. Argh, why can't we ever have some free time, so i could just talk to you again ?!???!? Well more than i do now, i mean. :)
Lalalalalala, :) I really do have an urge to hug you, and recieve maybe one that would probably suffocate me because you squeeze me so hard. Teehee :)
Oh goodness, i hope we talk this weekend, (off the internet, i mean).
Hehe, i have such a busy schedule ahead, i hope you call ! I would call you, but i'm always afraid i'm bothering you.
You never call at a time when you could be bothering me, btw. :)
Oks,Bye.

all the things you'll know tomorrow.

sigh, what a day.
i must admit, all i wanted was today to be OVER.
and well, i got my wish, and now i don't want tomorrow to come.
to tired.
ack, i had to walk home today too ! i had a catch up day with my friends, and we pigged out on fries, shakes, sodas, and chips and chilled in delarosa's room :)
he gave us eggrolls too.

but wow, my 10 minute walk home was uneventful, but man, that was the longest 10 minute walk of my life ! all i heard was my music, my footsteps, and the leaves crunching beneath my feet. it was an actual peaceful walk home, or it would've been IF i wasn't scared for my life, getting kidnapped or getting run over by a car or something. gah, every car that passed by i went rigid, not frozen in place, but i wasn't so carefree and in the "walking through a field of daisies" mentality, even though the day is perfect for that type of mentality.

the end of the grading period is next week, and i'm really scared.
i mean, i shouldn't be, because the semester is not yet over.
but still, i'm an overachiever.
and i want good grades no matter when it is.

today was also an eventless day.
nothing great happened.
one day, i hope i have an epiphany :)




YOU SHOULD'VE WALKED WITH ME TO SIXTH.
BUT NOOO, D:
Made me walk by myself, >:O
You owe me, hahahahaha JUST KIDDING.
I'm glad you still have it.
Sorry, i didn't realize that you wouldn't fit an XS anymore.
Haha, maybe i'll get you something else, sooner or later.
Christmas, birthday.
IDK which yet, you'll just have to wait and see :)

lost deep in thought.

just got home from tahitian practice, again.
we practiced in front of the gym, again.
I STEPPED ON ROCKS, AGAIN !

ROCKS, plural, multiple ones.
I also think i stepped on gum.
i haven't eaten all day.
so i think i should eat.
but after i make some full updates.

honestly, i want to know what people really think of me when they first meet me.
because i seem to make such a big lasting impression on some people.
idk why.
i think i'm so enthusiastic, that maybe everyone just follows me lead.
ahahhah, idk but it's just a possibilty.

my headache, is throbbing with pain.
maybe because i haven't eaten.
let's go eat.
OH BUT WAIT, not before....












i like what you were wearing today !
it looked nice, but not compared to the purple shirt i like better.
OH YEAH, i've been meaning to ask if you still have my red thermal that i gave you as a gift in your closet ?
Haha, you don't have to wear it or anything, i'm just curious :)

OKAY, MASHED POTATOES HERE I COME ! :D<3

love at it's best.

Argh, you surprise me sometimes.
And yes, i'll admit it, that i actually do read your blogspot.
Not a creep, just a hint of curiosity that got the better of me.
I can promise you this, i'll make more of an effort.
But to warn you, sometimes i get the feeling that i should back off, and that feeling can last days at a time if you don't say something to me.

Haha, today's is not going to be so long because i have better things to do !
HAHAHA, right.
Hopefully i can buy new moon and i can start reading that since i finished twilight.
Okay, well i'll probably update again when this wondeful four day weekend has ended.












ihopeyoucall.

my lack of awareness.

Ack, tahitian practice today took forever to end.
AND WORST OF ALL, we all ended up practicing in front of the gym instead of in the hall because they decided to kick us out O_O
And i stepped on a rock .__________.
It hurt.

Anywho, so the best things about today ?
NOTHING, actually, we are still undefeated in vollyball !
CHYEAH, 8-0. :)

Oh man, i'm HUNGRY.
Tahitian takes up all my energy.
AHHAAH, FOUR DAY WEEEEEKEENNNDDD, what am i gonna do this whole weekend ?
Haha, oh well, always last minute plans.
And squeeze some homework time in there.
Ahaha, i want to enjoy this as much as i can.
Ack, so hungry.








Everything is still the same between us, and no one's talking to the other.
I guess that's just how it's gonna be now.
I gave so much of an effort to try and now, i think you've just given it all up, and what am i supposed to do ?
I can't do anything about it.
The memories don't ever go away, and you haunt my thoughts all the time.
I still consider you one of my closest friends, because i'm pretty sure you know me so well.
Probably better than i know myself.
So, all i can say is that i'll still miss you dearly everyday of my life, but i don't know what to do anymore.

I still think about you all the time.
I wonder if you're reading this.
If you are, i'm pretty sure you know who you are.
This blogspot is not an everyday update, it's how i feel.


TTYL.

a recieved letter from the mailman.

Haha, ignore the title.
Not exactly meant for anything.
It just popped up in my head.
Today's only thursday and i can't believe it.
THIS WEEK IS GOING BY SO SLOW.
Agh, at least i don't have mulitple tests and things that i have to do and everything.
But i have a lot of homework, and my spanish teachers been missing for a while and i wonder if i actually have to do the homework >:O

Haha, this is the second post of the day, because the last one was posted in such a rush of emotion.
HAHA, did i tell you i almost forgot the password to this blog ?
That's pretty sad.
I needa go shopping, but i went shopping last weekend.
But i needa spend more then $50 DOOLLLA FOOL.
But i'm too scared to ask my mother for money.
She has too much going on right now.
I'm planning to go black friday shopping, but who'd i go with ?
Rawr, i can't wait for hair to grow out.
Haha, this is random.

I need to look for some new moosic.
So, i'll ttyl yalls :)

Dangers lurking behind my door.

Could you really ever say to much to a person and push them away ?

I mean, everything that goes on in my life, somehow i make it affect you too.
Would you ever think of me the way you used too ?
Or maybe i'm not who i was before.
Somehow i've managed to make my life a living hell because i tell myself that maybe things will eventually turn out the way it should and go back to what it should be.
But i end up dissappointing myself.
I think i've distanced myself from so many people because of my lack of ability to "shut my mouth" about you.
But then again, that's what i think.

I come down with a case of nostalgia all the time for you and everything else.
But, i shouldn't.
Maybe things were meant to work out the way it is.
I'm a big believer in fate, and karma.

But all this venting just basically sums down too,
Gosh darn it, i've never missed anything more in my life than i miss you.
Hopefully, i never have to leave here :(






On a better note.
I'm supposed to spend the night at asia's tomorrow, and then go shopping with her.
Then we'll have some fun, and chill on a four day weekend !
I'm supppaaa excited.
But in the meantime, SO MUCH HOMEWORK.
Oh shoot me, haha just kidding. :)

P.S, i sound so pessimistic, and i apologize.
PPS. i need to some major catching up with SO MANY PEOPLE.

Movement.MP3

Ok, so well, i just got an offer to become someone else's sister :)
ROFL.

Haha, i actually took the offer.
AHHAHAAH, but it's probably not official or anything.

So i have some pretty bad news. My mom is thinking about moving us somewhere, and i don't know where. She keeps talking about going to switzerland or back to tracy, dude, OR EVEN CANADA. WTH ?! I mean, when she tells me, i just ignore it and i'm like "uhm, sure mom." and i walk away. I mean dude, i can't really leave the state the city or even the COUNTRY ! :O My whole life is located in here in my ZIPCODE. i've been here my whole life, i don't wanna up and leave. i can't do that. And i will try my best to stop it from happening. :

Icky, i don't know what to say after that.
So, bye.

PaperThinHymn

Wow, what a day.
Never thought this weather would ever come again.
It was always so hot, and now i can finally say it's cold again :)
Haha, i like that.
And with the rainy weather it reminds me of the thanksgivings of the past two years.
And we both know what those were like, wink wink.



I'm currently STARVING.
And i want to go to target !!! :OOOO
Hahha, i asked to go, and no one took me :
W T FFFFFF ??!?!!
So fresh start using this blog from here on out yeah ?
YEAH.
ROFL.

Okay so, today was an okay day.
Someone, let's call her Daphne hardly talked to me today.
But then again, it's been that way for a while.
Goshness, i have this tremendous bug bite on my hand that has been itching allllll dayy !
:O



Haha, AND WE ARE STILL UNDEFEATED in vollyball.
OH YES, haha, who knew that we'd end up being sucha good team ?
And they called us cheaters.
Haha, w/e.





AHHH, i don't want to elaborate on Daphne, or anything because if i do, she'll end up figuring who it is.
Argh, then what it this blog about ?
My random days and doing absolutely nothing.
Haha, not really.



I mean, i am in kindof a sad mood.
But you know what ?
I'm trying to work my way out of it.
And i can't help but think about the thing that's making me sad.
Why is that ?
I wrote in my shared notebooks, hehe.
So only they will know.


DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!
WOOT, i get an extra hour of sleep everynight and that is GREAT !
Anywho, i need to go to the library and restart reading.
Because i'm losing my speechness.
Or i need speech classes to be specific.
Because, i make no sense half the time.
I wouldn't be surprised if i'm the only one who understands what this blog is even SAYING.

Argh, i'm too lazy to type now.
TTTTTYYYYLLLLLLLL.
[Talk to you later with extra t's and l's, that's all :)]

P.S STILL HUNGRY.