man, horrible news today. my dad lost his second job. things are going to be so different from here on out. i can feel it. my mom is trying to optimistic about it, but we depended on that second job to make ends meet, get the bills payed. this one job he has with my uncles, not exactly the best pay. the things my mom and i hoped would happen in our lives is no longer in effect. my mom is at my grandma's having fun with my cousins, probably trying not to face the truth just yet. damn, i would do anything if things could just go back to the way it used to be, i'll pick up a job. that's what i'll do. i know i'm only fifteen, what does it matter right ? we really need this help, my help.
MARSHHHHHMELLLOOOOOWSSS
for this winter....
and all the winters to come.
that's true, right ? i mean, the one you end up marrying is usually your "one love" right ? Idk, or is the one you marry a second choice to the one person you met before but couldn't be with ? hmm, i wonder. maybe it's different for different people. is there an exact way to tell if you really love someone or not ? or could it be like extreme liking ? ahhahahhah ! i don't know how to answer my own questions. but i think soon enough you stumble upon the answer. i'm not too much into trying to discover the answer at this particular time and moment. haha.
what a life we live huh ? all the hate, the things we discover everyday, and how it's possible for someone to really really hurt you. (not referring to anyone in particular, btw). i'm just saying in general, because i've noticed that everyone has someone in their life that affects them and can or cannot hurt them, and i can see there is someone in my life that affects me that way. then there are those people that i know that i am thankful for. thankful for the fact that they exist and for the fact that they chose to be my friend. :)
i am thankful for:
mommmmmm: hmm, you piss me off so much sometimes with your racist and discriminating things that you say to me, but nontheless, you're the reason i'm actually alive today. i know that you had hard times when you were a kid, and you don't want me going through the same experience that you did. i know that you love me, as me being your oldest daughter, and you have high hopes for me. the only thing is that you have a hard time admitting it to me, and that's fine, i can see it. i'm thankful that you kept me, and didn't give me away. iloveyou, lots.
dad: you're not my biological father and all, but still, you understand me like i really am. i can come to you to tell you my dreams, and hopes and what i want for my future, and you support me, and you help me get there. and for that i can't thank you enough. there's not a lot of people out there that will support me through and through, but you do. iloveeeeeyouuuuu.
BIGBROTHERS ! : you give me everything that i could possibly ask for. you're my step-brothers, but that doesn't make a difference to me, and it doesn't to you either. and i am sincerly so glad. you guys aren't always around but when i hear that you're coming to visit, i get super excited because i can talk to you guys, and any stress or problems, or frustration i'm feeling just goes away. i adore you guys. i may not like your girlfriend very much adam, ahem, but i still love you, you big meanie :)<3
cousins !
rachel: ew, i've known you since we were THREE, can you believe ?! in diapers doooodee. haha, and we're 15 now. it's been a while, and the best thing about you, is that you never get tired of my stories. i can go on endlessly about everything and you'll listen, haha, you're like my homebestfriend. AHAAHAHAHHAH<3
annieatron: we have our fights, and our times we spend not talking, but we're still close. the only thing that sucks is that you're graduating :|. we have a lot of fun together, and you never fail at making me laugh. i am quite thankful you're my cousin, and not someone elses. :)
bestfriends:
stephanie: BACK YARD NEIGHBOR/BESTFRIEND ! omgah, when has that ever happened to anyone ?! to be so lucky that your bestfriend just so happens to live behind you. we've had huge fights, and we don't always get along, but i will always love this girl. she has her opinions on what i do, and she'll tell me that i'm doing something that might not work, but as long as it makes me happy, i should try. BESTFRIENDSFOREVER ! :D
asiamarie: 5 years of it all. bestfriends since 6th. gone through it all. all the tough times, alot of things that happened, and memories that are unforgettable. tough times come and go for us, and never have we split. and i hope we never do. LOVES YOU, and happy early birthday ! <3
dean: i don't know what's happened to us. idk, but i am thankful for him. he's so fun to talk to, (when i do talk to him) and he makes me laugh, LOTS. and i'm super glad i met the guy. he has nice clothes, and a chill personality. that's why he's so easy to talk too. times when he picks up the phone to talk to me when i'm bored, is the best. because he gets me unbored. hahah, <3
there you have it. those are the people that i am most thankful for, that are in my life. they make my days worth living. <333 LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCHHHHOOOO ! :))))
mm i had a talk with the counsler today. talked to her about college. i learned something new ! UC'S DON'T CALCULATE FRESHMAN YEAR GRADES INTO OUR TOTAL HIGH SCHOOL GPA ! YAYAYAYYYYAAYYAYAYAAYAYAY ! because i passed geo, with a C second semester. GAYYY TO THE MAX ! :O but this year i'm doing pretty good. GOTTA ACE FINALS, and i got the rest of my life planned out for me. i can't afford to mess up right now. not when it's this close. i can't believe that i'm a freakin' sophmore. it seemed like just yesterday that i was in fourth grade playing four square, and didn't have to deal with petty drama. ech, i've never had so much on my mind like i do right now.
i would rather have stayed in middle school for the rest of my life, and never leave. the safe place, where college wasn't such a big deal. because it seems as though every decision i make will affect my future, and it probably does. but i'm not stupid. i can do this. i can make my dream future, the future that i see in my head happen. i vow that i will make it happen.
i brought a lint roller to school today. it was a lifesaver. so many people had black on and they were using it, hahahahahahahah. they all told me that i was a life saver. who knew, the one day that i bring a lint roller that so many people would need it. lol :)
"i can't lie,
i miss you much."
you wore it today. haha, the cardigan that you wouldn't wear that one windy day because you thought you looked ugly. .________. not even. i liked it. i was very black today. was one of my goals, to wear all black one of these days. GOAL FULFILLED, lol. don't laugh at me. my voicemail last night probably caught you off guard huh ? were you expecting something like that ? haha, maybe you did because i told you that i couldn't tell you when you were actually on the phone. there is so much i want to say to you, but can't. but i do have this to say ;sorry, for everything. goodbye.
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