living in the middle of it all.

NOT MEANT TO CAUSE DRAMA, SELF VENTING PURPOSES.
first off, i can't even begin to describe how absolutly pissed i am. but you know what ? it doesn't even matter. my hands are too cold to actually type super de duper fast, so w/e. but honestly, i am still ticked off about the whole new alliance made to exclude me. i hate how everyone would say "oh yeah, you got shit to say ?, say it to my face" and then they become a fucking hyprocrite and don't do it themselves. it fucking pisses me off. i mean, i know i can be a hyprocrite sometimes, but i also realize that i have become one, and i fix it. i mean honestly, and you guys call yourselves good friends. PLEASE. go tell it to someone who gives a fuck. now i'm debating whether or not i will make it to that party saturday. i bet you anything, i'll end up sitting in a corner while you all run off with your little group and chill and talk shit about me. isn't that what you're doing now ? don't even start with me, i can fucking see it on every single one of your faces, i can tell by your body language. so why not just say it to me ? why not just tell me that you don't want me around ? wouldn't that just make it easier for everyone? ugh, you guys have no idea how much you guys piss me off ! i would like to scream at the top of my lungs at you, and scream it to your face. you all aren't all that perfect either, and i hate you ! you should learn to fucking just shut your faces. I WANT TO FUCKING SHOOT YOUR ASSES ! maybe i won't show up for the party. even though i call you my bestfriend, i don't know if i can fucking say that anymore. don't even start with the shit and say i'm overreacting about any of this shit. i know this whole little thing has gone around the fucking group and everything, but with me, you could say it to my face, and since no one has decided to do so, don't mind me as i fantasize about ripping your fucking heads off and sticking it on a pike and parading around school with it while i sing "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN !". -sigh.


today wasn't the best day of my life. i wish this week was over. because if this goes on much longer i am going to snap. and then i'm going to lose it, and scream at everyone for every little thing they do. and i really don't want to do that. because if i do, i will regret it later. home seems like a nice place to hang out for the next week or two. let's fake a sickness, and i will have my wish granted. i can stay home.

i walked home today again. but this time i was only paranoid for maybe the first half of the walk, getting scared from seeing my own shadow. but the rest of the way home, i walked helllllaaa slow, just thinking and admiring the colorful trees. i had a lot on my mind, and it felt good to do some thinking on my own walking, then asking for a ride home. it took me 25 minutes to walk home, when usually it would only take me 10. haha, now you can see how slow i was walking hmm ? i saw the ice cream man, with new windows, rachel pointed that out the other day, but i had no money. it's only 4 in the afternoon. i have a lot of homework, but i don't feel like doing it. i love my music. it gets me through so many tough times, like right now. just surrender, my american heart, hey monday, a change of pace, etc.
"i'll shoot from the hip, and watch you fall"
A CHANGE OF PACE ! <3
I don't think i can live without my music. i went through a bunch of old crap today too. old convos, letters, pictures. i found a lot of old things that still mean so much to me. most of the old convos made me laugh too.

i think my camera's broken. it's all distorted, i'll take a picture with it, and i can't even tell if i actually like it or not. O_O

i still feel like running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs to get all my frustration out. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:OOOOOOOOO

or take a stick and poke them in the eye. :|
oh man, i'm so pissed right now.
ew.

i think in the middle of it all, i have come to realized:
1. i think i am too arrogant about things.
2. i should change the way i act towards people.
3. sometimes i don't know why i did what i did.
4. i will come down with alzheimers disease.
5. that i'm thankful for everything i have and everyone in my life.
6. i need to show that to them more often.
outgoing, me? oh it's a goal.
my one life, i'll live it as fully as i am capable.

christmas is in two weeks. i only have one more week to save up money to christmas shop. and hopefully the friday before the two weeks begins, i can go to christmas in the park, WITH MY COUSINS ! because the others are fucking pissing me off, and i would not like to spend the day before the holidays with such people. but anywho, i haven't been to christmas in the park for awhile. since i was like 8, 9 ? IDK, something like that. i see pictures of it, but i can't even tell how old i look. hahas. man whenever i'm cold, my hands itch so bad. even when i put lotion on them. MY MOTHER IS TOO CHEAP TO TURN ON THE HEATER. O_O, i complain all the time. and the other night, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY HOT WATER ! :O dude, i was so cold. i blamed my mother for using all the hot water, but it turns out that she took a 10 minute cold shower too. I SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIII. HOW THE HELL DID SHE STAND THAT ?!???!!???! hahahahah, idk. she washed her hair too. wow. i couldn't even put my whole body under the showerhead. i was freezing. (i couldn't feel my hands or feet afterwads) it was horrible.

i'm in the mood for a jack in the box teriyaki bowl. someone buy it for me ? i willl lovee you FOR EVA. ahahas. it's thursday. tomorrow is the end of the week. i hope i do something exciting. like let's go watch BOLT, or TRANSPORTER 3, or FOUR CHRISTMASES. life is so boring now. i need to meet some exciting new people. because everyone is so boring. this is why i hate school.

time for me to realize that they're not going to help me out, all they'll do is stress me out. they don't know how to be true friends, and i am still on the lookout for those actual friends. one i can depend on to be blunt with me, and tell me when i'm becoming boring. don't spare my feelings......, if you really care. gosh, simply putting, tell it to my face stupid.





lalalala, i was thinking of you most of the time when i was walking home. mostly wondering if i can finish your proofs on time. because well, honestly, i was never good with proofs. and no one will explain them to me because they hate them more than i do. but hopefully all the other stuff helps, because my explaining probably wasn't very good. mmm, gosh i feel as though my time with you as my best friend was toooo short. i would give anything to have you as my bestfriend for another year, or two, or three, or four. well you get the point. that year was the best year of my life. i miss you and it soo much, you can't even begin to imagine.
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.