sweet dreams, and to all a good night.

when a heart

breaks,




no it don't break

even.



i said i'd boycott blogging this week, but to think that over, i think i actually need to blog.
did i ever tell you that my dad thinks i'm bipolar ? haha, maybe i am. i'm not going to not consider the fact that maybe i am. hmm, i have some terrible mood swings. but lately, i think i have been refusing to be sad. that i have tried to be happy more than anything. maybe so that no one will worry. but i've been doing some thinking and i've noticed that I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON ! i've been a horrible friend in the past few months. i've been thinking of no one but myself, and i haven't payed attention to how others are feeling around me. not taking in the emotions that they feel and try to understand it, i haven't tried. and now is when i'm going to try to actually do that. take everything into consideration and stop being so inconsiderate to those around me. because i feel like a selfish bitch. man, i also know, now, that someone, the one person i love without limits, and the sky is the limit when it comes to him, that i hurt him. last week i did the most stupidest idiotic thing that a person could ever do. i said goodbye. again, not taking into consideration, how he must feel and how this might affect him ? ha, i got what i deserved then afterwards. realizing how much it hurt the both of us, i tried everything to take it back. calling him twice, apologizing whenever i thought he might read it or see it somewhere. when that didn't work, i cried. i cried for the lost memories, i cried because my heart ached and i missed him already. i cried because i'd never see that smile directed to me. i cried because i knew that never again would i be able to talk to him. but amazingly, my parents decided that day to give me my texting back. and i apologized again. no matter how many times he tells me that he has forgiven me, i won't ever forgive myself. i did it self conciously, thinking "this is what i want", but no. afterwards, all it did was hurt. i guess my subconcious mind needed telling that i couldn't live without him in my life. ha, that's where my thinking got me so far. i really can't live without this boy in my life. you might think i'm young and don't understand anything yet, but no, i already know the feeling of losing him, and almost losing him for good, and that feeling ? oh, not pleasant whatsoever. he's my other half. i can't live without my other half now right ? haha, PARTNERS IN CRIME YO!. lol, in my world anyway. i don't think that he trusts me anymore. like trusts me to stick around after that. but i know, no matter what, that this past weeks incident is NOT i repeat NOT happening again. too much agony.

anywho, straight to it, i don't want to be sad. i can't afford to be sad. but then you know, there are times in the day when i feel like i'm on my own, and i got nothing but me and my hopes and dreams, and i have to get there without help.
but then, i come back to reality and i appreciate everyone i have with me in my life as of right now. the ones that support me. the ones i know, won't leave. but, can i trust you to never leave ? you can sure trust me. i laugh and smile and enjoy my days now, but i know deep down inside, as much as i don't show it, i don't want to lose any of you. it's hard for me to admit that to anyone but this certain boy. i don't want to lose any of you. you all don't know it, but you all play an important role in my life. as far as i can tell, me myself and i cannot make it to where i want to be without your guys support and friendships. i love you all ! :) when it comes down to it all, me being inconsiderate is something i'm working on, be patient with me :)


you know, that boy, is you.
but of course you knew that :)