your own disaster.

"Hello world,
Hope you're listening,
Forgive me if I'm young,
For speaking out of turn,
There's someone I've been missing,
I think that they could be,
The better half of me."
OneRepublic.



you've gotten over it, and now it's my turn.
i've gone through it in my head so many times.
i've read it all over the place.
last week, i probably couldn't have brought myself to let go.
today, new years eve, i will.
look forward to the future.
"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present."
you see i have always thought the past would always be a big deal to everyone.
but it isn't. look to far in the past, and wish it was still here, is losing what really is here. missing the oppurtunity of a lifetime. the past is what made me who i am today, it's part of who i am today, and will always mean a lot to me, but i don't want to hope for it anymore. i don't want to have any hope that it will come back. it's disappointing.
i vow to never bring it up again. to look forward to each day, and see the bit of goood in every single day. even if there isn't. choosing not to talk about it does not mean forgetting. no it just means i choose not to talk about it. hah, dwelling on it and hoping it will come back, won't make it come back, and truthfully, a waste of my time. it happened, it was a highlight in my life. i've finally realized it, i'm going to close my eyes,

and let it go. the future and what happens in the future, is my own personal miracle. so i'll wait everyday, live everyday, and love everyday. don’t let what happened to you in the past affect what could happen to you today.






I WISH YOU COULD GAUGE YOUR EARS TOO.
You'd probably look hella nice with them.
I'm going to do my best and not get caught.
But idk 'bout that, they're blue O_O
AHAHAHAHAAH, but i'm super excited.
Man, hopefully maybe you'll get their permission to gauge your ears too.
My mom however, has no clue what i'm up too :)))))))

suffocating.

I'm gauging


my ears


tomorrow.



wish me luck ! :))))
I'm hellllllllla excited.
the best part of my week ! :)
Other than making progress, that is :)

the way we talk.

it's not worth trying.
and it's not worth being sad over.
it's not worth dwelling on.
and it's not worth being hurt over something so small.
don't think too much of it because no, it doesn't really matter.
things all happen for a reason, and what happened two years ago, happened.
don't dwell, don't be sad, look forward to the new year.
build a bridge and get over it.
hey hey hey, happy new year to me :)

i know i know, it's not new years YET.
But i need a little motivation.





YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's.
Lol, i have absoltely nothing to say.
Well went to christmas in the park on saturday ?
YEAHH, so pretty.
I'm a sucker for city lights, remember that.
And there was this mini dropzone right outside the entrance O_O
HAHAHAHA, they were dropping like three stories, and screaming.
Kayyy, whatever floats their boat.
Haha, well then went shopping on sunday, (i was supposed to go saturday) but my mom decided to go grocery shopping instead. argh. whatever, i bought threee new tops and a new jacket. i tried to hide that from my mom. she would kill me if she knew. AHHA.
Haven't uploaded all my songs onto my ipod yet. D: Lol, i still have like 200 more to go. I only have 279 on there. Not many options. Rofl, i have to go to target, wanna purchase new headphones and give my sister's back. my mom has the headphones that came with my ipod, i didn't want them. SKULL CANDY HEADPHONES! YEEEEE.

My mom's thinking about taking us to TAHOE !
Hahah, i hope so.
I'm desperately in need of an actual break ! :)
Okay, well i'm sitting here eating spaghetti and drinking jamba juice.
And i have spanish homework, math homework, an esssay, and a project to be doing. also a long to-do list. LMAO, so i'ma get going.
long updates later ! <3






where have you beeen ?!?!?!?!?

walking on air.

Merry Christmas !<3





haha, i hope you guys all had a good one.
i don't really feel like saying much.
but we didn't have a huge family party like we used too.
but i did see my brothers again, and opened plenty of gifts :)
i got a new IPOD! HFIOSHG(UOWHSGUOWHSBP
YAYAYAAYYYAAYYAYAYYAAYAYYAYAAYAYAYYAYYAAYYAYYA ! LOL<3
I was uploading all my songs onto it, but i'm visiting my grandma cause she was at the hospital earlier today and she just came home. :|
but anywho, so i have two computers. one with all my music, and one without. so the computer that had all my music, won't download itunes 8 so my classic would work.
SO, i have to import every single one of my 426 songs ALL OVER AGAIN INTO MY OTHER COMPUTER ! :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ( i know that might not sound like a lot, but it is.)
This is gonna be a looooong week, along with the crappy ass homework i havta do, cause when break is over, i have exactly one week to prepare for finals.
shit.

haha, i got plenty of pretty clothes too, especially this t-shirt, and a really pretty sweater from my aunts. gah, i wanna hang out with my baby cousins now, i never see enough of them. they're growing up too fast in front of my very eyes O_O, RROFLROFLROFL. MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS ! Have some new years resolutions too k? Haha, i just might ask some of you :)))))))

MINE IS : build a bridge and get over it.
Only i know what "it" actually is. I'm working on it.
This whole 2009 year, i'm working on it.


merry christmas to you !
hope you had a good day, you seemed busy.
ah well, i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow ?
i am going to be so wrapped up in my ipod stuff, hahaha, downloading movies onto it too ! 120 GB BABY ! :)<3
hmm, g'night handsome.

i'll never ask for anyone but you.

"as deep as i need you, you want to leave it all, what can i do ?"

Starbucks Vs. Jamba Juice.


Two places where i'm headed soon.
Maybe some friendly shopping with cousin annieatron too :)
I'm seriously going to miss this break when it ends.
It's really nice to be able to just chill, and getup whenever and do whatever.
Forrrreaal.

So today, i did almost nothing. Actually, i put my bedding and sheets into the washer to wash. (SO THEY SMELLLL GOOOD!) haha, wrapped my parent's present and put it under the tree, told someone they were the greatest, that wasn't a joke :) AND now i'm chillin' with my baby cousins, aunt, and OLDER cousins. Heading out to starbucks in a little to get myself some yummmmy drink. or maybe i'll go to jamba juice instead. (i like it fruity sometimes :))))<3) lalalla, dooooode, did i tell you ?! i'm not having a full family christmas party this year, hella depressing. i wanna have one. 'cause when we do, all i ever do is laugh. i don't ever stop laughing. or smiling for that matter. hahaha, we're the noisiest family ever. :)<3

I REALLY


REALLY LOVE


MY FAMILY.


don't start that shit with me, because i'll fucking shank you :) i've had enough of the drama to last me a lifetime. and honestly, at this time of year, i really really don't need it. k, thanks.




so whatever happened to talking in our blogs?!
Hahah, i'll start it again. I REALLY REALLY MISSES YOU.
Gosh, you and your smile :)
I miss it lots.
:D

gives you hell !

OMGOSHH, my mom hinted at me today that someone is giving me an IPOD for CHRISTMAS !
YAYAYAYAYAYYAAYYAYYAAYAYY !
Hahah, i was listening to mooooosic while mopping the floors, and my mom's all "do you have that one song downloaded from akon, called beautiful?"
O_O, i was like TFFFFFAAACKK AKON MOTHER ?!
That's just wrong, but YEAH I DO !
LMAO, then she's all "Well, someone's going to give you an ipod for christmas, so what are you going to do with your other one ?"
HAHAHHHAH YAYAYYAYYAYYAYAYAYAY !
LOLOLOLOLOL, i'm like super excited now. But like, these past few days have been the boringest (hope that's a word), DAYS OF MY EXISTANCE! I've done nothing. Rofl, except for maybe watching some good movies, texting, and chillinn'.
Lol, today consisted of chores chores chores. Hahaha, vacummed, mopped, and laundry. O_O, dude i have no life !
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL.
Oh wait, actualllllyy, yesterday my cousin share came ovaa, and asked us to help her make jello shots. (for all those, who do not know what jello shots are, it's jello with alcohol.) ahha, she let me taste one too.
Doooode, i think it gave me a headache. O_O
HAHAHAAH.
Gosh, i love my blogspot song, and my myspace song.
All good doooode :)<3

But three days till christmas?
Hehe, i'm so excited !!!!!!!! :OOOOO
AHH, days can't pass by any slower.
Augh.

Still have some extra extra gifts i needa buy. NOOOO.
I have no moneyyy, but of course my granmom, already sent some envelopes (full of moolah, i hope) to my house, and yeah, hopefully, i get to use that money.
BUT I WANT SHOES TOO !
They're like $60 dolllaa though.
THEY'RE FRIGGGIN' HOT THOUGH ! Haha, and i'd look hawt in them too.
JUST PLAYIN', or maybe i will ;D


So since nothing interesting has happened in the past few days, so what is there to say right ? Haha, oh yeah !
OUR WEATHER IS BIPOLAR ! Lol, it was raining and windy, and now it's all sunny and stuff. Wonder if it's following my mood.
HAHAHA just kidddddin'.
I'm arrogant and pissed right now.
Haha, so i'm arrogant happy, and pissed, wow.
LOL.

I mean, what kind of person leads someone on ?!?!?
DON'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING TO ME YOU DON'T FUCKING MEAN !
GOT IT ?! GOOD.
Don't be a fucking asshole and do that to me.
Don't spare my feelings or pity me, k?
Don't need that bullshit, especially from you.
Whatever, merry early christmas to you anyway.

k, bye.

winter wonderland.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.


and happy new year !

From me, myself, and i :)<3


Hahas, i hope everyone enjoys the two week break !
Lol, don't be thinking about finals now.
AHHAHAHHA, i do, it's depressing D:
ROFLROFLROFL, hopefully, everyone i gave gifts to today likes em.
'Cause i liked all your gifts.
But for everyone else, LATE GIFTS ! i have to give them to you guys laterrrr. :)
Forgive me, teehee.


Lalalala, today was a chill day. Too much sweets though.
So sick of it. I need some water, and some salty foods.
OUTBACK DOESN'T SOUND TOO BAD. Or that steak house in SF ! :)
Always a good idea. but i think everyone is trying to save money or whatnots.
SOO, maybe a homecooked meal will do :)
Well, keeeeeping this short short short short.
MISSING YOU ALREADY ! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.
SEE YOU IN '09 !<3







you know i love you, oh so much more than you'll ever know. everytime i say that, i don't really know how to say it so that you will actually get it. maybe one day, when we're both old and gray sitting in a rocking chair on opposite sides of the world from each other, you'll have an epiphany and realize that i was the one person that loved you without limits. but by then, by the time you reach the phone to call me, it might be too late.

"You'll go off, you'll forget,
you'll grow out of hanging from the edges,
breaking off the past.
You'll know when to move on,
you'll know when to take all the right chances,
never looking back."
-the academy is...
oh, i know how he feels.

the innocent letter.

you never wanted me, it's just that simple.

no, no, no.

no, no, no.


this cannot

be happening.

whatever happens happens. i try to make the best of it. but when it comes to you, that's different. catch my drift ? needyouwantyoumissyou. but hey, this is my world, and those feelings are a one way street. unrequited. it doesn't matter now. rettam t'nod i.

sweet dreams, and to all a good night.

when a heart

breaks,




no it don't break

even.



i said i'd boycott blogging this week, but to think that over, i think i actually need to blog.
did i ever tell you that my dad thinks i'm bipolar ? haha, maybe i am. i'm not going to not consider the fact that maybe i am. hmm, i have some terrible mood swings. but lately, i think i have been refusing to be sad. that i have tried to be happy more than anything. maybe so that no one will worry. but i've been doing some thinking and i've noticed that I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON ! i've been a horrible friend in the past few months. i've been thinking of no one but myself, and i haven't payed attention to how others are feeling around me. not taking in the emotions that they feel and try to understand it, i haven't tried. and now is when i'm going to try to actually do that. take everything into consideration and stop being so inconsiderate to those around me. because i feel like a selfish bitch. man, i also know, now, that someone, the one person i love without limits, and the sky is the limit when it comes to him, that i hurt him. last week i did the most stupidest idiotic thing that a person could ever do. i said goodbye. again, not taking into consideration, how he must feel and how this might affect him ? ha, i got what i deserved then afterwards. realizing how much it hurt the both of us, i tried everything to take it back. calling him twice, apologizing whenever i thought he might read it or see it somewhere. when that didn't work, i cried. i cried for the lost memories, i cried because my heart ached and i missed him already. i cried because i'd never see that smile directed to me. i cried because i knew that never again would i be able to talk to him. but amazingly, my parents decided that day to give me my texting back. and i apologized again. no matter how many times he tells me that he has forgiven me, i won't ever forgive myself. i did it self conciously, thinking "this is what i want", but no. afterwards, all it did was hurt. i guess my subconcious mind needed telling that i couldn't live without him in my life. ha, that's where my thinking got me so far. i really can't live without this boy in my life. you might think i'm young and don't understand anything yet, but no, i already know the feeling of losing him, and almost losing him for good, and that feeling ? oh, not pleasant whatsoever. he's my other half. i can't live without my other half now right ? haha, PARTNERS IN CRIME YO!. lol, in my world anyway. i don't think that he trusts me anymore. like trusts me to stick around after that. but i know, no matter what, that this past weeks incident is NOT i repeat NOT happening again. too much agony.

anywho, straight to it, i don't want to be sad. i can't afford to be sad. but then you know, there are times in the day when i feel like i'm on my own, and i got nothing but me and my hopes and dreams, and i have to get there without help.
but then, i come back to reality and i appreciate everyone i have with me in my life as of right now. the ones that support me. the ones i know, won't leave. but, can i trust you to never leave ? you can sure trust me. i laugh and smile and enjoy my days now, but i know deep down inside, as much as i don't show it, i don't want to lose any of you. it's hard for me to admit that to anyone but this certain boy. i don't want to lose any of you. you all don't know it, but you all play an important role in my life. as far as i can tell, me myself and i cannot make it to where i want to be without your guys support and friendships. i love you all ! :) when it comes down to it all, me being inconsiderate is something i'm working on, be patient with me :)


you know, that boy, is you.
but of course you knew that :)

heartless.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.

i wish.


things would go back to normal.
k, bye.





feel better.

wishful thinking.

I GOT MY


TEXTING

BACK !



OMGOSHHH, me and MY FRIEND were talking about that earlier this week. we were both hoping that i would get my texting back so that we could text during winter break and the other breaks to come. haha, who knew on some random wednesday that my parents would decide to give it back to me ?!!?!!? OMGAHH, you have no idea how happy i was. i was literally jumping up and down and laughing and squealing. my dad literally said "the next time we tell her, make sure i'm not here" oh yeah, he's realllll funny ._________. haahhahahah, it was great. but as of right now, i only have 100 until tuesday then i'll have 500 ! YAYAYAYYYAYAYYYAYYAY ! i'm trying really hard not to waste them all right now. but of course there's only one person that i text. :)))))))))

so busy today, trying to figure out how to do my math homework, study and all this other stuff. argh, so tired of school. i can't wait until christmas break. OMGAH, doooode christmas in the park next friday ?! :) hope so. i think my mom already ok'd it with me. she just needs to know who's coming and how i'm getting there. i love my freedom ! :)<3

SO HUNGRYYYYY ! see you later.
P.S NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED TODAY, ok, bye.







AHHH ! we're cool again. i'm glad. that's all i really wanted. :) but are we cool like before this whole mess cool ? or are we just regular friends now ?
lalalalalalala, i really really love talking to you.

you, me, and everyone we know.

i really don't have much to say about today.
it happened, i mean, yeah.
today went by pretty fast though.
my classes are pretty boring, i mean honestly, i did nothing exciting today.
ugh, took a quiz in math though, three problems, and i think i missed one.
HIPGSIOGHIS)GHNOPHSHIGPIBHIPHPOSGW

i'm really hungry right now, so i'ma eat.



how nice.


ahahah !, please ?





you forgive me right ?!
i mean, i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you, i wasn't prepared for you to react the way you did. this is never gonna happen again. i already know the feeling of losing you and i can't have that again. it hurts too much, and i can't take it. so, if you forgive me this time, i can promise this will never happen EVER EVER AGAIN ! if you can't i understand.

before the worst.

today sucked.
today sucked.
today sucked.
today sucked.
TODAY SUCKED !






for everything, you have no idea.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_kFK6d5p6o
copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste.








i'm so sorry for everything. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. is there something that you would like to say to me ? i hate you would make me feel bettter. it's just i think that you would be better off. unless you think differently. i have no idea if you really want me in your life, considering the fact that we don't even talk as much. so, i don't know. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
i only say sorry, because i feel like a jerk for saying it. maybe i should've waited until you got fed up and did it yourself, then i wouldn't feel like sucha jerk. but just because i said goodbye forever doesn't mean i don't still love you or care about you, or wish that things were different, you know ? i still do, and i always will.

whatever you do, keep my letters to you.
because they're my good bye gift ? and it'll make me cry a lot more than i am now if you do give em back to me.
i guess if you won't fight, there's nothing i can do about it. i hope you get everything you've ever wanted. i hope you'll always be happy. and do me another favor, don't forget me, because i'll never forget you.

and no, it was because even if i tried talking to you, you would kinda blow me off. and well, it hurt my feelings. i wish you'd fight, i wish you'd fight for us. i would.

loose lips sink ships.

i'm so sorry for everything.

i don't know how else to say that. i'm so sorry for making such a mess and causing so much trouble. i honestly have to admit i miss my friends. i miss being able to laugh and talk with them like i used to. it only took one day to make everything into this big mess, and i don't know how to fix it. so i'll settle for apologizing. i'm so sorry. i don't know if that helped or worked, but i honestly am so afraid that if i apologized in person, that no one would accept it, so if i apologize this way, and no one accepted, at least, it'd be an easier letdown.


what am i ? the wizard of oz ? you need a heart? you need a brain? go ahead. take mine. take everything i have.


i have a migrane.
possible from lack of sleep and nourishment.
all in all, i need food, and a comfy bed to nap on.

so i won't say much.
today wasn't that great anyway.
i have a disabled left arm because of eric's slaps on the arm.
well, i socked him, so hehe :)




"promises mean a lot to me, but then again so do you."
what if the goodbye was forever ?
how would you feeel ?
i know, i do need my texting back.
but my parents are lame.
oh man, don't remind me, i need to christmas shop :|
let's take it back, back before it all went wrong.

one life, one love.

when it all falls apart.
man, horrible news today. my dad lost his second job. things are going to be so different from here on out. i can feel it. my mom is trying to optimistic about it, but we depended on that second job to make ends meet, get the bills payed. this one job he has with my uncles, not exactly the best pay. the things my mom and i hoped would happen in our lives is no longer in effect. my mom is at my grandma's having fun with my cousins, probably trying not to face the truth just yet. damn, i would do anything if things could just go back to the way it used to be, i'll pick up a job. that's what i'll do. i know i'm only fifteen, what does it matter right ? we really need this help, my help.



MARSHHHHHMELLLOOOOOWSSS





for this winter....

and all the winters to come.

that's true, right ? i mean, the one you end up marrying is usually your "one love" right ? Idk, or is the one you marry a second choice to the one person you met before but couldn't be with ? hmm, i wonder. maybe it's different for different people. is there an exact way to tell if you really love someone or not ? or could it be like extreme liking ? ahhahahhah ! i don't know how to answer my own questions. but i think soon enough you stumble upon the answer. i'm not too much into trying to discover the answer at this particular time and moment. haha.


what a life we live huh ? all the hate, the things we discover everyday, and how it's possible for someone to really really hurt you. (not referring to anyone in particular, btw). i'm just saying in general, because i've noticed that everyone has someone in their life that affects them and can or cannot hurt them, and i can see there is someone in my life that affects me that way. then there are those people that i know that i am thankful for. thankful for the fact that they exist and for the fact that they chose to be my friend. :)



i am thankful for:
mommmmmm: hmm, you piss me off so much sometimes with your racist and discriminating things that you say to me, but nontheless, you're the reason i'm actually alive today. i know that you had hard times when you were a kid, and you don't want me going through the same experience that you did. i know that you love me, as me being your oldest daughter, and you have high hopes for me. the only thing is that you have a hard time admitting it to me, and that's fine, i can see it. i'm thankful that you kept me, and didn't give me away. iloveyou, lots.

dad: you're not my biological father and all, but still, you understand me like i really am. i can come to you to tell you my dreams, and hopes and what i want for my future, and you support me, and you help me get there. and for that i can't thank you enough. there's not a lot of people out there that will support me through and through, but you do. iloveeeeeyouuuuu.

BIGBROTHERS ! : you give me everything that i could possibly ask for. you're my step-brothers, but that doesn't make a difference to me, and it doesn't to you either. and i am sincerly so glad. you guys aren't always around but when i hear that you're coming to visit, i get super excited because i can talk to you guys, and any stress or problems, or frustration i'm feeling just goes away. i adore you guys. i may not like your girlfriend very much adam, ahem, but i still love you, you big meanie :)<3

cousins !
rachel: ew, i've known you since we were THREE, can you believe ?! in diapers doooodee. haha, and we're 15 now. it's been a while, and the best thing about you, is that you never get tired of my stories. i can go on endlessly about everything and you'll listen, haha, you're like my homebestfriend. AHAAHAHAHHAH<3

annieatron: we have our fights, and our times we spend not talking, but we're still close. the only thing that sucks is that you're graduating :|. we have a lot of fun together, and you never fail at making me laugh. i am quite thankful you're my cousin, and not someone elses. :)

bestfriends:
stephanie: BACK YARD NEIGHBOR/BESTFRIEND ! omgah, when has that ever happened to anyone ?! to be so lucky that your bestfriend just so happens to live behind you. we've had huge fights, and we don't always get along, but i will always love this girl. she has her opinions on what i do, and she'll tell me that i'm doing something that might not work, but as long as it makes me happy, i should try. BESTFRIENDSFOREVER ! :D

asiamarie: 5 years of it all. bestfriends since 6th. gone through it all. all the tough times, alot of things that happened, and memories that are unforgettable. tough times come and go for us, and never have we split. and i hope we never do. LOVES YOU, and happy early birthday ! <3

dean: i don't know what's happened to us. idk, but i am thankful for him. he's so fun to talk to, (when i do talk to him) and he makes me laugh, LOTS. and i'm super glad i met the guy. he has nice clothes, and a chill personality. that's why he's so easy to talk too. times when he picks up the phone to talk to me when i'm bored, is the best. because he gets me unbored. hahah, <3

there you have it. those are the people that i am most thankful for, that are in my life. they make my days worth living. <333 LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCHHHHOOOO ! :))))

mm i had a talk with the counsler today. talked to her about college. i learned something new ! UC'S DON'T CALCULATE FRESHMAN YEAR GRADES INTO OUR TOTAL HIGH SCHOOL GPA ! YAYAYAYYYYAAYYAYAYAAYAYAY ! because i passed geo, with a C second semester. GAYYY TO THE MAX ! :O but this year i'm doing pretty good. GOTTA ACE FINALS, and i got the rest of my life planned out for me. i can't afford to mess up right now. not when it's this close. i can't believe that i'm a freakin' sophmore. it seemed like just yesterday that i was in fourth grade playing four square, and didn't have to deal with petty drama. ech, i've never had so much on my mind like i do right now.
i would rather have stayed in middle school for the rest of my life, and never leave. the safe place, where college wasn't such a big deal. because it seems as though every decision i make will affect my future, and it probably does. but i'm not stupid. i can do this. i can make my dream future, the future that i see in my head happen. i vow that i will make it happen.

i brought a lint roller to school today. it was a lifesaver. so many people had black on and they were using it, hahahahahahahah. they all told me that i was a life saver. who knew, the one day that i bring a lint roller that so many people would need it. lol :)


"i can't lie,
i miss you much."
you wore it today. haha, the cardigan that you wouldn't wear that one windy day because you thought you looked ugly. .________. not even. i liked it. i was very black today. was one of my goals, to wear all black one of these days. GOAL FULFILLED, lol. don't laugh at me. my voicemail last night probably caught you off guard huh ? were you expecting something like that ? haha, maybe you did because i told you that i couldn't tell you when you were actually on the phone. there is so much i want to say to you, but can't. but i do have this to say ;sorry, for everything. goodbye.

living in the middle of it all.

NOT MEANT TO CAUSE DRAMA, SELF VENTING PURPOSES.
first off, i can't even begin to describe how absolutly pissed i am. but you know what ? it doesn't even matter. my hands are too cold to actually type super de duper fast, so w/e. but honestly, i am still ticked off about the whole new alliance made to exclude me. i hate how everyone would say "oh yeah, you got shit to say ?, say it to my face" and then they become a fucking hyprocrite and don't do it themselves. it fucking pisses me off. i mean, i know i can be a hyprocrite sometimes, but i also realize that i have become one, and i fix it. i mean honestly, and you guys call yourselves good friends. PLEASE. go tell it to someone who gives a fuck. now i'm debating whether or not i will make it to that party saturday. i bet you anything, i'll end up sitting in a corner while you all run off with your little group and chill and talk shit about me. isn't that what you're doing now ? don't even start with me, i can fucking see it on every single one of your faces, i can tell by your body language. so why not just say it to me ? why not just tell me that you don't want me around ? wouldn't that just make it easier for everyone? ugh, you guys have no idea how much you guys piss me off ! i would like to scream at the top of my lungs at you, and scream it to your face. you all aren't all that perfect either, and i hate you ! you should learn to fucking just shut your faces. I WANT TO FUCKING SHOOT YOUR ASSES ! maybe i won't show up for the party. even though i call you my bestfriend, i don't know if i can fucking say that anymore. don't even start with the shit and say i'm overreacting about any of this shit. i know this whole little thing has gone around the fucking group and everything, but with me, you could say it to my face, and since no one has decided to do so, don't mind me as i fantasize about ripping your fucking heads off and sticking it on a pike and parading around school with it while i sing "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN !". -sigh.


today wasn't the best day of my life. i wish this week was over. because if this goes on much longer i am going to snap. and then i'm going to lose it, and scream at everyone for every little thing they do. and i really don't want to do that. because if i do, i will regret it later. home seems like a nice place to hang out for the next week or two. let's fake a sickness, and i will have my wish granted. i can stay home.

i walked home today again. but this time i was only paranoid for maybe the first half of the walk, getting scared from seeing my own shadow. but the rest of the way home, i walked helllllaaa slow, just thinking and admiring the colorful trees. i had a lot on my mind, and it felt good to do some thinking on my own walking, then asking for a ride home. it took me 25 minutes to walk home, when usually it would only take me 10. haha, now you can see how slow i was walking hmm ? i saw the ice cream man, with new windows, rachel pointed that out the other day, but i had no money. it's only 4 in the afternoon. i have a lot of homework, but i don't feel like doing it. i love my music. it gets me through so many tough times, like right now. just surrender, my american heart, hey monday, a change of pace, etc.
"i'll shoot from the hip, and watch you fall"
A CHANGE OF PACE ! <3
I don't think i can live without my music. i went through a bunch of old crap today too. old convos, letters, pictures. i found a lot of old things that still mean so much to me. most of the old convos made me laugh too.

i think my camera's broken. it's all distorted, i'll take a picture with it, and i can't even tell if i actually like it or not. O_O

i still feel like running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs to get all my frustration out. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:OOOOOOOOO

or take a stick and poke them in the eye. :|
oh man, i'm so pissed right now.
ew.

i think in the middle of it all, i have come to realized:
1. i think i am too arrogant about things.
2. i should change the way i act towards people.
3. sometimes i don't know why i did what i did.
4. i will come down with alzheimers disease.
5. that i'm thankful for everything i have and everyone in my life.
6. i need to show that to them more often.
outgoing, me? oh it's a goal.
my one life, i'll live it as fully as i am capable.

christmas is in two weeks. i only have one more week to save up money to christmas shop. and hopefully the friday before the two weeks begins, i can go to christmas in the park, WITH MY COUSINS ! because the others are fucking pissing me off, and i would not like to spend the day before the holidays with such people. but anywho, i haven't been to christmas in the park for awhile. since i was like 8, 9 ? IDK, something like that. i see pictures of it, but i can't even tell how old i look. hahas. man whenever i'm cold, my hands itch so bad. even when i put lotion on them. MY MOTHER IS TOO CHEAP TO TURN ON THE HEATER. O_O, i complain all the time. and the other night, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY HOT WATER ! :O dude, i was so cold. i blamed my mother for using all the hot water, but it turns out that she took a 10 minute cold shower too. I SOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIII. HOW THE HELL DID SHE STAND THAT ?!???!!???! hahahahah, idk. she washed her hair too. wow. i couldn't even put my whole body under the showerhead. i was freezing. (i couldn't feel my hands or feet afterwads) it was horrible.

i'm in the mood for a jack in the box teriyaki bowl. someone buy it for me ? i willl lovee you FOR EVA. ahahas. it's thursday. tomorrow is the end of the week. i hope i do something exciting. like let's go watch BOLT, or TRANSPORTER 3, or FOUR CHRISTMASES. life is so boring now. i need to meet some exciting new people. because everyone is so boring. this is why i hate school.

time for me to realize that they're not going to help me out, all they'll do is stress me out. they don't know how to be true friends, and i am still on the lookout for those actual friends. one i can depend on to be blunt with me, and tell me when i'm becoming boring. don't spare my feelings......, if you really care. gosh, simply putting, tell it to my face stupid.





lalalala, i was thinking of you most of the time when i was walking home. mostly wondering if i can finish your proofs on time. because well, honestly, i was never good with proofs. and no one will explain them to me because they hate them more than i do. but hopefully all the other stuff helps, because my explaining probably wasn't very good. mmm, gosh i feel as though my time with you as my best friend was toooo short. i would give anything to have you as my bestfriend for another year, or two, or three, or four. well you get the point. that year was the best year of my life. i miss you and it soo much, you can't even begin to imagine.
forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

my life without you, is no life at all.

Purple is my color today, whoo freaking hoo.
Hahha, someone told me that today.

I'm really coming up blank right now.
I am trying to eat, type and think about things all at the same time.
Not exactly the time for me to multi task, especially since i'm hungry.
But today wasn't exactly anything fun.
I mean, same old same old.
Except for stupid Truong, making me laugh so hard in spanish that ms. gonzalez might just move me. .___________________.
Hahaha, then in p.e, soccer.
My least favorite sport.
Too many accidents involving a soccer ball.
O_O

History we watched a documentary on the french revolution.
it's actually really interesting.
i just couldn't take all the blood :|

bio, i tried to study for math and i had henry help me.
and i didn't bother to actually do my homework.
or get a headstart, oh well.
i'm always swamped with homework.
no biggie.
EXCEPT THAT HOUSE M.D IS ON TONIGHT ! :O
i also got attacked by jordan. ._______.
Unsuspectedly.
Ugh.

Then mandler.
we took a quiz the whole time.
idk, how i survive that class.

then math.
quiz, notes, and personal notes.
moved seats, petersen was smart.
moved jesse away from us.
:|

oh well.
the end, i think tuesdays are just as bad as mondays.
QUITTING TAHITIAN.
Sorry alyssa.










i never thought someone like you,
would ever need someone like me.
you know i need you, but i'll pretend like it doesn't bother me, if you don't want me here in your life.
i'm not assuming, i'm just saying.
it's your choice and i won't object or make you feel bad about your decision.
i don't mean this to sound mean, but choose, in your life, or simply not.
you know my decision, if you were to give me these options.
our friendship used to be as easy as breathing. am i making it complicated ? hmm, if we were comfortable talking in person, maybe it wouldn't be this way. mannnnnnnn, i overthink things, AGH. :|

misery loves company.

MY SISTER IS VERYYYY WHITEEEE !!! :OOOOOOOO


well i can't remember anything that happened last wednesday.
so i'll just tell you about my thanksgiving weekend.

welll thursday, got up early expecting to cook.
but we didn't start until like 10:30.
i peeled the potatos and the yams, and left them there while my dad prepared the turkey breast and the lamb to put into the oven.
then finally i got to dice them and put it to boil. then i mashed them and put the marshmellows on the yams and put that in the oven so that can melt.
anyway, not going to describe in detail what i cooked.
because i sound like a cookbook. O_O
HAHAHA, anywho, we ate and MY HOUSE WAS FULLL !
My grandpa and grandma came, my aunt and uncle and my baby cousins, and rachel's dad, her, and her little brother came.
CROWDED.
I didn't even get to eat at the main table.
we had to set up a "kid table".
i'm fifteen dude, not exactly a kid anymore.
hahah, that's okay.
we were the closest to the t.v :)
we were watching "the forbidden kingdom"
(i bet you anything my dad only told me to put that on because everyone except for him there was asian .________________________.)
hehe.
after we ate, we all just chilled around the table.
my baby cousin discovered he can walk and we were playing with him in the backyard. it was so fun. we were all crowding him, not letting him get by and he was just laughing. we towered over him. i would be scared out of my mind if someone did that to me.
but then...
me and rachel and my sister played guitar hero.
when everyone finally left, i got to relax hehe :)
i think we watched transporter 2 though.
man, we had leftovers the next day and it wasn't as good as before but hey, it was still food :)

i went shopping the next day, and i bought jeans and a jacket.
i was gonna get shoes but my mom wouldn't let me.
she said i had too many pairs of shoes.
haha, i went home and i counted 12 pairs of jeans, 11 pairs of shoes, and 15 jackets.
heckaa stuff right ?
no more of that stuff, next stop, T-SHIRTS ! :D<3
hahah, my saturday and sunday wasn't that great.
i didn't do anything to great.
i put up my christmas tree yesterday, and it has 200 musical lights on it.
HAHAHA, i know :)
it got pretty annoying when i was trying to put it up.
haha.

oh yeah but ohmygosh, friday night.
my mom and i just got home from shopping and we had bought christmas decorations for the frontyard right ?
and we put them up, and then afterwards i was inside the house, and my mom was putting up lights in the kitchen when she recieved a phone call from my grandpa.
and when she got off, she was pissed.
she started yelling at everyone and she told me that my grandpa cussed at her.
and she kept yelling throughtout the whole night, and i wanted to get out of the house so badly.
my mom was yelling so much i couldn't even hear my show that was on t.v.
O_O

anywho, i hate mondays :)








so i did a lot of thinking this weekend, and i couldn't get past the memories of 8th grade. haha, we were so tight ! haha, it's been three years ? lol, idk, but it's been a while. agh, i missed you but i was afraid to call. i always want you to be happy, even if that means that i'm not in your life. maybe that's why i keep asking you questions. so i can determine if you really do want me in your life. if it'll make you happier if i am. anyway, do me a favor. go on limewire or myspace music and listen to "best of me" by sum 41. :)
it's a realllly gooooood song <3